Wife-in-waiting: 10 types of Mama Nguo in Nairobi

There are 10 types of Mama Nguo you will come across in the city.

Mama Nguo. She is an integral part of an urban household doing laundry for Nairobian bachelors and bachelorettes. Since some homes have only one child, some couples find the Mama Nguo useful, doing general house cleaning like washing dishes, floor, walls and sinks.

And when Miss Mboch has scattered on a one-way ticket to Shagz, it is Mama Nguo to your rescue.  There are 10 types of Mama Nguo you will come across in the city…

1. The Anti-Radar

This one just jetted recently from Emanyulia in Western Kenya to Nairobi. She will get lost looking for your bachelor pad after giving her endless directions.

She can’t do Google Maps with her analogue Kabambe phone whose charge is always dying. And when she finally locates your house she mixes coloured laundry and your favourite white shirt ends up with a red strip on the collar!

2.  The Mjuaji

This one left gichagi 10 years ago and got the hang of stuff in the city. She will notice she has been wiping the baby cot for five weeks prompting her to ask “kwani mtoto alipotea na bibi akatoroka?” followed with a suppressed rural chuckle.

 You could be watching Trans World Sports on telly but step out a bit and she will change channels to Nyanya Rukia despite your remote being one of those that resembles a plane’s cockpit.

3. The Beggar

They know that beans in your pantry are about to expire and that the trousers she has just washed won’t fit you but “bwana yangu ako hiyo size.” They leave your house with a bag full of old clothes, shoes, njahi, two week old pieces of chicken,  half ya unga and all the coins!

4. The Sumbua

They have all manner of problems ranging from phones that sound like Satan is scratching in-between calls to not coming to do your laundry because “mtoto ame jiuma ulimi!”

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Your phone charger, salt shaker and handkerchiefs also disappears when she’s on duty.

5. The Negotiator

They drive in hard bargains, charging twice the going rate with pitches of how they were doing laundry for important people in Muthaiga, Runda, Kitusuru “na hata wazungu wa UN.”

They sometimes ask that you pay for the Uber for them to come and it’s not uncommon to ask for next week’s pay in advance!

6.  The Seducer

This one wants to make the bed and be laid on it. She wears crotch hugging sweat pants slightly zipped off you can spot a hint of red G-string. Another week she will come in a leso wrapped from the neck down.

Hanging jeans sees the wet leso forming contours from her ‘Suguta Valley’ to butts the size of two giant pots boiling with nyoyo! When she notices you are watching, she will bend, exposing a plunging cleavage!

7.  The Relative in Disguise

This one comes tagging along her five year old son who will end up clinging and crying for your kid’s toys.  She also has a matanga for her great grand cousin who died in Kitui and a fundraising for dirisha ya mabati for her local Dini ya Roho church and needs your help. She breaks stuff and when you fire her she calls sobbing with tales of woe!

8. The Cucu

She is your mother’s age. Your wife loves her. She knows you can’t dare. But you sometimes pity her as you think stretching her back to reach kamba ya nguo will worsen her arthritis.

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Your kids are also fond of sliding down her back like she’s a bouncing castle. Your wife ends up helping her with much of the work before forcing you to pay her double.

9. The Lazy Bone

One look at your laundry basket with ten items and she grimaces before issuing a sigh like you’re subjecting her to slavery. You will find dust patterns on the TV stand long after she’s gone after spending six hours in your bed-sitter!

10. Wife-in-Waiting

She fancies herself as your chick if you’re single or as the Second Wife if you’re married with two brats.

She is normally young, cute and if she hadn’t dropped out of school in Form Two could be a receptionist for a paint manufacturer.

She goes beyond her call of duty, doing dishes, cleaning the gas cooker, fridge and ironing all your clothes…just like a wife.

The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Sde.co.ke