10 characters at a Kenyan feast

[Photo: Courtesy]

There are several types of Kenyans you will find at a feast or party with lots of food: the shagz-modos, the uncouth urbanites, the city middle class and the upper class.

The first two are almost the same in their greed at the sight of free food, with the only difference being that shagz-modos having come from slave labour background and pile their plates to mountainous portions.

The uncouth urbanites might not pile too much, but some hide samosas in their pockets from where dripping cooking oil betrays them.

The city middle class want the shagz-modos and uncouth urbanites to know that they know the difference between starters, appetisers and desserts and how to place the napkin between their necks and shirts. The upper class might not even eat food for the masses.

Here are 10 characters at a Kenyan feast (see also page 22).

 1. Jaza sahani

These ones behave like they have just been released from Ka-Stick Maximum Prison from where they were condemned in the Starvation Block. They pile their foods with the brown rice on one half, white rice on the other, 20 pieces of chapati, brown and green mukimo and they are not even quarter way done before soup begins spilling from all sides of their plates.

 2. Ignoramus

They don’t know which soup or sauce they’re serving and go for the strangest in appearance, only to later learn through angry taste buds that it was meant for invalid 80 year old vegetarians!

 3.  Kukata laini

They leave home hungry after skipping supper and breakfast in preparation for the feast awaiting them. They curse the MC for extending the vote of thanks. When finally the buffet is set up, they ‘cut’ the guest of honour, fearing they might not be served in their life time. They pile plates with rice and mukimo only to later learn that while jumping the queue, they skipped the chicken, choma and turkey!

 4. Shagz-modo

They are so mesmerised at the sight of food they have never seen at home, they dispense with serving spoons and pick from the bowl with bare hands.

 5.  Mix them, gather them

On their plates, you will find the melon, orange and pineapple pieces perched atop a mountain of brown mukimo drowning in vegetable soup and very long pieces of goat ribs, which are sprinkled with rice and uncut, half-cooked nyanyas.

 6. Haribu jina

They return to the buffet table so many times, they are the best source of information in case you were wondering if nyama zimeisha.

 7. Beba beba

They carry bags for ferrying chicken wings, njahi, pilau and a crate of soda to their brood of six brats at home.

 8.  Afya 101

They serve last after sipping soup like it has fish bones. They mostly pile ‘vegetation’ on their plates, your motor mouth uncle can’t help asking, “Kwani umekua sungura?” and they shrug after a lecture on the dangers of oily chicken, red meat and table salt which can pandisha “my blood pressure.”

 9.  Feet of clay

They are so intimidated by a buffet table for the first time and since they don’t want to make a fool of themselves, ask their mjuaji friends to “nenda uniwekee”. This is the breed that is likely to go home hungry even when the buffet table is still groaning under the weight of food.

 10.  Ghetto damu

These ones ‘over-serve’ themselves and even run to the farthest corner of the field from where they kill themselves with adult portions escorted by two ‘skyscraper’ sodas and full boflo before rolling all over the field crying, “Mama, tumbo inauma!”