Slay queen: 10 types of women men meet in Nairobi

You need to understand them before making a misguided leap of faith

If you are new in the city and often wet your palms at the sight of women you plan to approach, fret not. They come in different shapes, sizes and not a few hips.

You need to understand them before making a misguided leap of faith. Here are 10 breeds of city women a man will meet in Nairobi:

1. Miss Independent

You  are  likely  to  meet  her  inside her car, probably  a  Vitz , where she would be  sulking   and  cursing in traffic. Beyonce’s  Irreplaceable will be playing  over  and over  again  as  she  constantly  nods  as if there is a rotating bearing in her neck.

Take  note  of her  three-inch  heels  and  how  she  swings  her  car  keys. Then of course there is the well-polished  English. You can approach her if you  feel  your  self-esteem  is  enjoying a resurgence.                

2.  Husband snatcher

She  could be that woman  who  even  shrubs  her  name. More  often  than  not,   she    has   an  otherwise  kawaida look. She prefers calling you late  at night.

You can have her and  still  keep  your  wife, you could even join the  same  ‘Bible  Study  Group’  as you’ll   have  an  excuse to  give   to  your  wife  the phone when  she calls at some ungodly hour.

3. The slay queen

Most haven’t celebrated their 30th birthday. Their  social  media  pages  are  always  flooded  with  photos  and  stories  of  drinking  escapades  and  ‘posh  lives.’ Do  not  be  fooled.

Most are in   ‘sponsorship  programmes,’  which  come  to  a  halt  the  moment  wrinkles  appear  on  their  foreheads. If you are in dire need of an investment option, the slay queen is hasara bin hu!

4. Shambalistique graduate

This one is fresh from shags, probably  Kinangop and to  her,  the city is heaven made manifest.  Notice  her  cheap  makeup  and discoloured  dental  formula. Her  Neil  Armstrong  manner  of  dressing  on  rainy  days  and   colour clashing on  sunny  days  makes her seem  like  a  walking  rainbow. 

She  is  the  easiest  to  have and  will  say  “I  do”  over  a  plate  of  fries  and  Fanta  in sweaty Luthuli Avenue.  The downside is that you  cannot  introduce  her  to  your  friends as she  still  needs  some  coaching, taming  and  polishing. Kazi  kwako, mtu wangu!

5.The born tao

Usually a mjuaji from Kawangware, Uthiru or Kangemi, where she has been holed up all her life,  yet  she  will  convince  you she’s from Westlands. 

She  has  seen  and  heard  it  all  and  cannot  be  easily  duped.

6. The holy Joyce

She  works  tooth  and  nail  to  see  heaven since she long concluded ‘this  world  is  not  my home.’ You  can  spot  her  by  her long  dresses  that  even  threaten  to  sweep  sinners  away. 

She  probably  has  joined the Church of Many Waters and winning  her  heart  could  be  a  tough  job  if you don’t speak in tongues. But akiingia box, dunga ball mara that that!

7.  Old money chicks

She  knows  her  value, doesn’t  do  cheap dates in even cheaper joints.  She  dresses in  the  latest  trends  and  rolls  with  hot, classy  and  loaded  dudes. 

Don’t  try  withdrawing  all  your  savings  to  please  her as she  will  milk  you  dry  and  drop  you  like  a  bad habit. Sorry, try number four above.

8. Bora  uhai chicks   

These ones live life as it comes. Bora  uhai  is  her  daily proverb. She  is  the  ever-smiling  chubby  and  happy  woman and  never  frets  even  when  the  fare  hikes  three  times.  

She  has  no  goals  in  life  and  will  simply  live  life  as  it  comes. Ambitious men should keep off.

9. The party animal

She  has an  emaciated  look   due  to swilling copious  amounts  of  hard drinks. Fridays  mean  the  world  to  her  and  weekends  are  to  die  for  as alcohol  will  always  find  its  way  to  her throat.

Alcohol brands don’t matter.  Going out means loud music and returning home at 5am. She dances a lot when not screaming “thitima!”

10. Chick ma-biz

She  always  has  ‘hot  deals’ and  business  ventures centred around importing shoes from Owino Market in Uganda for selling at the office.

She has  managed to get her kids to good ‘academy’ schools. They’re mostly single and if you’re  poor  at  managing funds,  this  is your type.