Secretaries: 10 most difficult Kenyans to deal with

Government secretaries are the most complacent, being blood relations to the boss

Some people, by nature or by career design, are impossibly difficult to deal with. Any time you meet them, they leave a sour taste in your mouth and you would do well to avoid them altogether.

Sadly for you, it is not easy to avoid them seeing as you have to deal with some of them on a regular basis.

We hereby map them for you:

1. PA of ‘mhesh’

Ever tried to meet your area MP? You will probably have to go through the personal assistant, whose job is to ensure that you do not meet the mhesh.

The PA will  give you numbers that last worked in the last election, besides ensuring mhesh escapes through the back-door as you take very hot tea on a hotter afternoon. PAs are annoyingly know-it-alls, with an attitude that stinks from Cairo to Cape Town. Worse than even the politicians.

2. Secretaries/receptionists

Government types are the most complacent, being blood relations to the boss. Or the boss comes from the other side of the political divide and mistreats them.

But for heavens-sake, can they get out of Facebook and listen to your problem? And while at it, the government should ban ear/headphones in its offices.

3. Some soccer fans

A section of local football fans who are a painful nuisance to the butt, mostly of motorists. They will protest whether they win or lose. And when they draw.

Some are known to stone motorists, yanking their side mirrors, and more annoyingly simulating sexual acts on the bonnets of female drivers.  They will your evening migraine by treating you an earful of Vuvuzela, in, er, your ear.

4. ‘Sojas’ at the gate

Sojas should know people. A security guard can make a bright Tuesday morning turn into darkness, at noon! Some guards are entitled know-it-alls who give unsolicited advise on everything about the firm’s management instead of letting you in.

They derive malicious pleasure in manhandling your nether in the name of a body search. Someone pinch their noses, please...

5. Domestic ‘Djs’

Also known as house helps, they spin the ‘discs’ in the kitchen. But finding a good one is like searching for Rwandan fugitive, Felicien Kabuga. In true paka na panya fashion, the mboch turns your living room into a mini-discotheque once you leave for work.

Don’t be surprised that your baby - the very reason you hired her - is always asleep during the day; it is probably pumped full of Piritons!

6. Karao wa traffic

To the traffic cop, every motorist is a potential ATM with their knack of quoting some hazy traffic rule that you never knew existed. For instance, did you know you are not supposed to carry groceries in the back-seat of your rust bucket?

 In the eye of this karao, every motorist is a traffic offender; kubali yaishe.

7. Bouncers

They probably have never seen the expression ‘never judge a book by its cover’. They like turning away short people, with the assumption that they’re under-age. Or broke.

Being beefy sees them beefing with everyone. A slight infraction, like kissing a lass in the corridors, can get you hurled down the stairs, quite violently.

8. The ‘Kanjo’

City Council askaris are a reminder that the turkey is not the only animal that deliberately dispenses with brain functions. You will never see them whenever you want to park.

They will however emerge from their hiding place and clamp your jalopy. Hiyo ni pesa. You still don’t believe that these guys are nasty? ask they hawkers. Ni hayo tu.

9. ‘Mocha’ attendants

Perhaps, aware of the fear living mortals have towards dead bodies, mortuary attendants have a way of extorting the bereaved; they will fling open shelves full of stiffs and, with a malicious glint, announce: “Haya, tafuta wenu ni mgani hapa!”

10. Deputy school principals

They are the default Discipline Masters. And they never spare a rod, lest they spoil your child. They are also quick with suspensions, even for the most frivolous incidents.

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