Fireworks: Your pregnancy is not our business

Photo: Courtesy

Recently I woke up one morning and realized I had been added to a strange WhatsApp group. I later learnt that the group was formed to help organize a surprise baby shower for a stranger who is a friend to a distant cousin of mine.

Having never attended a baby shower before, I was curious and found myself paying the required fee to secure an invite. It was a beautiful party though I realised the people on the guest list were mostly strangers as the mother had to frequently ask for introductions.

How messed up is that? But the part I found even most irksome was when as part of some game to identify the sex of the baby, the mother requested the guests to caress her bare belly. What goes on into a woman’s mind until she decides to expose her belly for strangers to lay hands on? What happened to privacy and personal space?

Pregnancy is a sacred thing and it should be treated as such. Some of the people whose scrawny hands you allow to wander all over your bellies could be evil. Some are not happy about your pregnancy, some are envious about your life, and some are even your husband’s secret mistresses.

Then few months down the line you are blessed with a baby who doesn’t stop crying all throughout the night no matter how hard you try to comfort them. Little did you know one of the “friends” you invited cast ‘amadimoni’ on your baby. Pregnant women you really need to protect yourselves from situations that might make you vulnerable to these dark forces lurking in every corner of our weird world.

Our mothers and grandmothers carried pregnancies in utmost secrecy. Not because they were embarrassed or anything like that, but because they knew babies are no plaything.  Sometimes we won’t even know until the last two months or when we came home from school and noticed a pink creature covered in shawls snoozing on the sofa. And that baby would stay indoors for at least 40 days before being exposed to gawking eyes. Why can’t we borrow a leaf from them?

Then there is that bunch of slayers who want to wear that belly like an accessory. They wear tight uncomfortable clothes and high pointed heels or anything else to draw attention to themselves. Yes, we know you had unprotected sex, you don’t need to shout it from the rooftops. Wear nice breathable clothes and sensible shoes before you slip and endanger that precious life you are carrying. Nine months is not that long a time. You can take slaying right up after birth. Or will you die?

Nowadays pregnancy has been modernised into a silly joke. We want to share every little detail with every John and Jane out there. We have done it all, from premature pregnancy announcements to documentations of our private parts.  Don’t kid yourself; there is nothing artistic about your nude baby bump photos flooding our social media space. If anything they make me cringe inside and no, not because some belly buttons look like wooden door knobs but because I can’t fathom why you cannot just enjoy the beautiful moment with the few people you are close with.

If nude maternity shoots were so sensible we would see you walking down the streets with nothing but leaves covering your privates, as you do in front of a camera. And just so you know, I’m pretty sure there is a weirdo out there jerking off to your “arty” nude bump photos.