The Retrosexual: We don’t exist to satisfy women in bed

Photo: Courtesy

It used to be that at 25 people discovered that sex is the most overrated thing in the world. This discovery made everyone sleep easy, stop worrying about penile enlargement supplements and avoiding fraudsters who sell some tubers that promise an erection that transports women to Cloud 9.

I’m not sure when people stopped learning this simple fact of life. Because everywhere I look, women can’t stop yapping how lazy, unromantic and unskilled Kenyan men are in the bedroom. It is getting on my nerves.

Most Kenyan women, even those married, have becomes unfaithful, looking for that elusive orgasm and engaging in dangerous yet unfulfilling sex. Many marriages are now on the brink of collapse because of infidelity. After watching so many soap operas, reading trashy literature like 50 Shades of Whatever and indulging in too much porn, our women have become a handful.

Granted, we all need a good lay. But life is not about mind-boggling sex. We can’t build an economy if all the productive people think about is sex. Sex talk so fills our FM radio and gossip online magazines that you may think we are a crazy, sex-obsessed country. Listen up, Japan is a world power because sex is considered a costly luxurious exercise to he avoided at all costs.

Sex is first for procreation. Any man who can impregnate a woman has done his divine and worldly mission, and must never be bothered. If by luck a woman gets a man who hits it right, she can be thankful. If the man lasts only for a minute and he is gone, don’t fret. Does he provide? Does he pay school fees for the children, pays rent and performs other manly roles? Then, kindly shut up.

Kenyan women are to be blamed for the lackluster performance of men in bed. For starters they nag too much. They want too much and are hellishly materialistic. No sooner you hook up with a woman than she asks for a ‘small favour’ of Sh3, 000…Gas is always running out… Kenyan women have reduced romance to a business transaction and switch men like they switch their shoes for the flimsiest reasons: as soon as they discover a man is stingy (can’t finance their salon bill) they take the next sucker. And Kenya has no shortage of male suckers who don’t mind splurging on women. Disgusting.

Kenyan women generally offer nothing in return. Millennials are hardly qualified to be mothers (in fairness men are just as terrible). They don’t know how to cook or even create a good environment for love making. Yet they want mind-boggling sex. Madness.

I have had a privilege of dealing with Ugandan, Tanzanian and even Rwandese women and man, they are so good, they make you want to do more for them. Respectful. Loving. And for Ugandan women, they go an extra-mile to make sex a pleasurable experience. They hardly ask you for money the following day for this and that. They are not crazily materialistic. Often, I want to go to Ugandan and marry their daughter.

Women need to understand various variables when it comes to sex. Men’s sexual appetite generally declines. Biologically, they can’t sustain mind-blowing sex every day. You had college for that.

The older men get, the more responsibilities rest on their shoulders. Sick parents, school fees, job or business related stress, and these things can take a toll on any man. Mature women understand. But some of these college educated women who believe in the gospel of “you can have it all” are driving men to an early grave with nonsensical demands.

I therefore urge women to be more reasonable in their demands. If they want a good game, they can start by stopping serving men left-over foods or noodles. No married man should take sphagetti and minced meat. They can stop being overly demanding and materialistic. They should check their fashion sense, fix some niggling hygiene issues and then can demand to be served right

Also, if you are going to lie there like a log and expect mind blowing orgasms, you need a reality check. Work on your speed. Men can’t pay all your bills, and still carry you to Cloud 9 while you count sheep. Peace.