Romance and sex are for stupid and lazy men

Frankly, I am tired.

Every day, in any of the many nonsensical Kenyan Facebook groups that talk about sex 24/7, there is always a woman talking trash about my clansmen: That they are not romantic, among other accusations that I cannot parade here without insulting my kinsmen.

First of all, we can’t have a country where half of its seven million people on Facebook subscribe to groups that only talk about sex. A tsunami may sweep up our coast and drown the entire Somalia and half our problems, but the guys will still be asking stupid questions about the sizes and shapes of female mouths. It is just stupid man.

The rate of unemployment in Kenya is fast approaching 50 per cent, the foreign debt stands at more than Sh3 trillion, there is a looming famine that will ravage people up North and those in slums, and an ecological disaster that puts everyone at risk. You would think that Kenyans will be bothered. But no!

Sometimes I check my timeline at 7am and I see men and women asking such crass questions that I regret ever being born to this generation.

Away from that, let’s talk about the persistent charge that Kenyan men are not romantic and Kisii men top the list of unromantic men.

Today, I have news for women: Romantic men are lazy human beings and will bring you nothing but misery. This is a proven fact.

When I was young and stupider, I tried to be romantic with this woman from Nyeri. I told her, “I love you” and she told me to stop being silly. When I tried being touchy-feely with her, she told me to stop being cheesy.

I was so desperate to win her over and she dumped me for being too stupid. And she was right. Five years later, she is married to a serious man who makes key decisions in Kenya and I am here writing about her for a living!

Romance is a fraud and one of the bad products of capitalism. It never used to be this bad when our mothers and elder sisters used to watch The Bold and the Beautiful. Women our generation have 50 Shades of Grey - and its many offshoots - as the Bible. Buying Hollywood trashy movies has never been cheap and too much consumption of TV is what makes American men dangerous and violent and Kenyan women to live in fantasy.

Is it that women don’t know that movies are acted?

Real life is boring and unstructured. We are far stressed by real problems to remember the value of a flower or card. Men know that a bouquet of flowers makes you poorer and there is nothing about them, other than they will go stale in the next few hours. A card, a romantic dinner and such in this economy is fiscal folly, frankly.

I think any woman above the age of 23 who wants romance has misplaced priorities. And that is how many women end up marrying losers who are so good in bed, and with romance nonsense.

But three years later, the man has nothing to offer, but wood. And a woman cannot live on wood alone. She needs a well-furnished house, a proper cooker, kids in the right schools, and a comfortable and secure life.

No man can afford to be romantic and also afford a woman good life. Romance is costly and wastes so much time. Serious men know the value of time. And serious women too.

After 23, people need to focus on real things. As a woman, look for a man who is busy and wants to provide as opposed to a man who only wants to take you for trips and buy pricey stuff. Reject stupid gifts and demand that a man starts saving, building a house and get insurance for children.

We can’t afford to have adults who don’t know the basics of life. If you were never lucky to have a romantic partner when you were young, there is nothing you really lost. You actually saved.

So this is a warning to women. Marry serious men, who work to give the family the best, who wake up in the morning and come back in the night for a kill.

Romance and good sex are for lazy people. Sex is for procreation. Recreational sex should end by 25.


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