Five rules to all the clandestine ‘mpango wa kando’ out there

What are the rules for the wannabe young ‘clande’?
  • Maintain a good social media presence, use official voting name or otherwise. Just be visible
  • Learn to hold your drink before he gets there. No sponsor wants to come to disturbing sights
  • Give It Up; The reason you are a side dish is to give it up, on demand, like an ATM

Dark mid-August days, indeed, but there will be sunshine in September.

And when that time comes, you may be one of the ‘femmes’ who is aiming to be a side-dish in Nairobi.

It has become so passé that we hardly engage in the Rules of the ‘Clandestine woman’ these days.

Out there, especially among the middle classes, there is a 44 year old man engaged in ‘mpango wa kando’ situation with some twenty two year old slip.

What are the rules for the wannabe young ‘clande’?

Maintain a good social media presence

If you do not want to use your official voting name, say Caroline Njuguna, on social media, you can use your middle names, for example ‘Marilyn Mumbi’ as your profile name.

Please don’t use those silly, long and kiddish monikers one often sees on Facebook.

You call yourself ‘#ChiccoYuleMsupaDelixiousAmbayeNdiyeNiTheBestNdinya’ and wonder why it is only touts, and an assortment of other louts, in-boxing you?

Mature men with money want learned ladies for ‘side-dishes’ these days; a girl with presence.

If you are doing ‘Computer Packages’ in River-Road School of Aviation, maybe you should lie on your ‘Profile’ that you are in some medical college, or as the song used to go – ‘Third year University of Nairobi.’(eeh, kumbe ni under eighteen)?

Signs of Upward Mobility

If you are going to go down this strange path, you want a man who can pay your rent and sort your salon bills. Not a chap for whom buying you a mattress, let alone a TV, is a struggle akin to getting to Canaan. So where do you begin?

See if he drives a nice moti – it used to be ‘Pajero,’ now it is something like a Land Rover Discovery.

But a lot of men with nice ‘toys’ are being killed by the loan. So if he has a Fat Cat’s job, the better.

Of course there are those either stingy or eccentric types who either drive rust buckets or take matatus, yet have prime property in this town. They make for ungenerous sponsors. Learn to Hold Your Drink

If you do succeed in getting a generous sponsor, at least with money, you may find that Time is the one thing they do not really have – you are a ‘side plot’ and not the main script.

His ideal life is a bicycle – with work/family life balance. (He just couldn’t resist the ‘Call of the Clande,’ so now you are not a tricycle, but the third wheel on the bicycle).

Which means you will sometimes be stood up, or left at a dark pub for hours, as he finishes up work or family engagements.

Learn to hold your drink before he gets there.

No sponsor wants to come to the disturbing sight of a young mistress drunk out of her mind on wine or ‘Guarana.’

Give It Up

There is an old song called ‘Give It Up’ by KC and the Sunshine Band.

In fact I’m listening to it, on YouTube, right now as I type this. If you are a clandestine, this is YOUR song (and please don’t tell me, nay, that your song is Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ or any such wannabe nonsense).

The reason you are a side dish is to give it up, on demand, like an ATM.

(Now the track has moved on to BJ’s ‘Romeo,’ how very ironic).

Stay Where He Says

There is this fancy notion that your sponsor will buy you a Vitz and move you to some fancy apartment in Kilimani that costs a month and a leg. Yet your Blesser is good enough to ensure you are on Uber.

Look, it is understandable that you want to live in City Chicken Estate – yes, there really is such a place! – but you come from Kino, and live in a funny dorm in ‘Media College’ and you want to throw a tantrum because he wants to rent you a fifteen thousand flat in Mirema (next to Roysambu and the Northern Bypass)?

It is funny how a lass who used to think chips and chicken at Sanford & Fish was prime dining gets all ‘classy’ when a Blesser comes into the picture.

Not all wannabe clandestine will get into paradise in September – or get to go to Dubai (‘Doobs’) in December.

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