10 ways to spot a girl from shagz in Nairobi

The urge to have approving friends and a yearning to feel valuable drives them to act crazy as girls from ‘Diaspora’ gradually become more wajuaji than born taos

Life in Nairobi is fast and furious. Life in the village dull and dreary. And it’s the dream of every shagz-modo to come to Nairobi, at least once in their life time. They come hoping to dust up their rural lives, accents and dreams. Add fashion too and finding love to spice their lives.

Shortly, the urge to have approving friends and a yearning to feel valuable drives them to act crazy as girls from ‘Diaspora’ gradually become more wajuaji than born taos.

But hey! you can still easily pick out a woman who landed in the city from Kanyam-Kago, Mutomo or Muchatha!

1. From ‘Rubber mshenzi’ shoes to Pencil skirts

When Wambui lands from gichagi in her grey (formerly black) rubber shoes and pleated skirt, nobody imagines that she can transform into a socialite.

This extreme make-over mostly happens within a year. They learn from observation or watching fashion series on TV. She will first get mocked for her epic fail in mix and match wear, since she can’t pull off colour blocking.

Then she will wear a broken skirt suit before she discovers Toi market and Gikomba, where she can shop for mtumba high heels and pencil skirts.

Daniel Mugambi, a former bar manager turned taxi guy, lost his high school girlfriend a year after she joined him in Nairobi.

2. Burning house with gas cooker

Nafula in ‘ingo’ is not the same girl in Nairobi. In ushago she could run after chicken, trap it under a metallic basin before snapping the poor bird’s neck with her bare hands for supper. But in Nairobi, she perches on a tall stool and chews on some chips and GMO chicken at a dingy hotel in downtown Nairobi, before she finally upgrades to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Using the gas cooker is also a problem as it requires the help of a neighbour to light it or else, you might find the fire brigade running out of water outside your gate. She can’t use cutlery, yet she claims that’s how they eat back home.

3. Carrying hanky to a date

The ideal village date is by the riverside or at a maize plantation where Mongina will spend half of her time doodling with her big toe and avoiding eye contact with Mogaka.

When she lands in the city, she realises that her friends are dating ‘better’ men who drive and buy them anything they demand. So, she settles for a boy who can afford chips and sausage along Moi Avenue.

On her first date, which is most probably during the day, she will show up in some shiny tight dress top with spandex and oversize mtumba high heels she probably borrowed from her friend.

Another sign that gives her away is laughing sheepishly to a man’s jokes as she toys with the white handkerchief she has substituted for a clutch bag.

4. Singing wrong words off key

Mwende’s ideal night out when she is in her village in Mutomo, Kitui, is dancing wathi at her cousin’s wedding. When she lands in Nairobi, she attends a few gigs in Mlolongo where Kativui or Ken wa Maria are performing.

She will soon be introduced by her collegemates from Kiima Kiu to a club in downtown where she will attend all jam sessions before she starts dating five men at a time.

Unfortunately, she is so used to singing along to music while dancing and you can only pray that the speakers are not turned off, otherwise everyone will hear her singing the wrong words off key.

If she is fortunate enough, she will land a loaded man who will introduce her to five-star hotels where she will always go even if he dumps her. She is not willing to go back to living within her means. You wonder why people end up peeling potatoes in five-star hotels?

By the time Nkirote leaves Kutus, she will not only have an ‘R’ and ‘L’ problem, but her accent will be something between the whistling trees and an Indian folk song

5. ‘Kushema shema’

By the time Nkirote leaves Kutus, she will not only have an ‘R’ and ‘L’ problem, but her accent will be something between the whistling trees and an Indian folk song. Everyone teases her from the day she lands in Nairobi.

But she is a fast learner and within one week, she would have picked new words from her neighbours in Roysambu.

She soon becomes self-entitled and thinks she invented Sheng. She will of course embarrass herself by using the wrong words in the process of kushema shema in her ‘shrubbing.’ Dare you correct her and she will hurl insults at you that can even leave Satan with a blush.

6. Let’s talk about sex in church

Cheptoo was a conservative AIC follower in Kaptoror. She went to church every day until she landed in Nairobi. She will soon get bored when she realises that her agemates are having more fun in a church that allows them to talk about sex, brag about cars.

There, she will soon become an usher and start dressing in skinny jeans and six-inch heels which are a far off in comparison to her village Sunday best.

Cheptoo will try and shove it into anyone she meets, demanding that they should meet her pastor. She will occasionally brag how only rich people go to the so-called worship centre. She is so naive that she can’t even tell that her pastor, whom she constantly loves to call ‘Daddy,’ is lusting for her.

7. Kawangware is lavington

When Akinyi leaves Kendu Bay, she just wants to live in Nairobi, not knowing that the city is divided into West and East of Uhuru Highway. She first lands in Umoja where she lives with her auntie as she waits to get a job or a room at a hostel.

She will soon realise that her friends from the other side of Uhuru Highway speak better English and have better chances of dating loaded men. She wants to be like them and therefore, she moves to Kawangware, which is closer to Lavington.

She will claim that she also lives in Lavington and will never allow you to drop her home, lest you find out that she puts up in a mabati structure at the infamous Congo Slum(Kawangware).

8. Endless selfies

When Halima lands from Isiolo, she probably doesn’t even know how to drive and will survive the first few months juggling between matatus and boda bodas.

Back in the village, her father drives a Probox or a worn-out pick-up, but she would be so disgusted, to the point of having a heart attack, if a man driving a similar car approaches her.

She even drops the buibui to show off her attractive body. Within a few months of living in the city, she will be spinning a Range Rover, never mind that she is still in college.

Her life is live on social media where she posts photos of her ‘Baby Cherie’ set of wheels.

9. Mulika mwizi phone? Not me!

Lorot does not even own a mulika mwizi when she lands in Nairobi from Turkana. She just wants to come to the city, study, get her degree and upgrade her family’s lifestyle. Then she bumps into Kawira who has three phones.

She will first buy a Mulika Mwizi with part of her pocket money, before she starts demanding more money from her parents to get a touchscreen phone. She takes her time before picking up her phone because she wants you to hear her ringtone.

10. Choking on cigarettes

Naeku has never tasted alcohol in all the eight years she has lived in Transmara. When she first comes to Nairobi, she is initiated to some ‘Liquid Panty Remover’ drink and gets so wasted that she wakes up next to a hairy-chested man whose name she has no clue.

This goes on for a while and being picked up by strangers in nightclubs becomes a habit. The Liquid Panty Remover no longer takes her high enough, so she switches to some cheap vodka and whisky before she finally upgrades to champagne and creamy liquor.

She also thinks that smoking is fancy, but end up choking on a cig’s filter. Her access to these expensive liquors wholly depends on the man she is dating.

She loves the fast life and so she will change men like panties, as she only needs them to take her to the next step.