These silly burnt out 30-something men

We swim like dead fish: no ambition; speeding our subarus or idiotic and gigantic motorbikes- like it is an achievement

Lately, I have been bumping into so many so confused and rudderless 30-somethings. They are like zombies.

Some are single mothers burdened by the pain of raising a child on their own. Some are mired in child-custody and upkeep fights with their ex-partners. Some have alcohol problems. Some are cheating on their spouses. Some have broken relationships with their families.

Some live beyond their means, and always have a shylock on speed-dial. Some are in dysfunctional marriages.

Life mostly ensures you marry the wrong the person. You move in with a woman you are not sure of marrying, have an unprotected sex, she gets pregnant, you are excited at the prospect of a child and your thinking is impaired. Soon she gives birth.

You report yourself to her parents, they accept you as a son in-law. Another child comes and you start doubting yourself whether you married the right woman.

Women too do have similar regrets. Maybe they married mostly out fear. Fear of the biological clock, fear of being a single mother, fear of missing out in marriage. But the years roll so fast, and before you know it, ten years have gone. And the marriage has hit the plateau phase rather quickly.

The wife no longer excites you. She has resigned to her fate, added weight, picked up weaves, a tummy and she is the last woman you want to look at.

Increasingly, she has become broody, controlling, inquisitive and wants to mother you in a way not even your mother did. You rebel. She resigns to fate, accepts you as a deadbeat husband, and gets into chamas, church maybe or other groupings where she is more accepted.              

Soon, your marriage is an arrangement of sharing bills. She hates you. She hates the brief sexual encounters you have and she no longer even cares about your cheating ways. Freed from her shackles, the man decides to be reckless with his life.

Picks up some materialistic 20-something in college who uses him as an ATM. Some men actually go after married women because they are not as materialistic as the young ones. The man now spends all his time in bars, night clubs, traveling to unknown destination in the company of women, but never his wife.

Soon, their marriage will enter this vacuum, where nothing is happening. If the wife is courageous, she will walk away for good. If not courageous, she will suffer in silence as the man arrives home every day past midnight smelling like a liquor store. She stays because she thinks there is nowhere to go.

I find men of my generation, who have now been christened as the “Cheers Baba” generation; fallow and shallow. Most have no skills to run a simple family that consists of a wife and two kids, leaving the job to their harassed wives.

We spend too much time with our toys, too much time chasing skunks, we spend more money on our male buddies than we spend on our families. It is really sad that most 30-somethings lack the psychological depth to handle the vicissitudes of life.

So, we swim like dead fish downstream: no ambition, content with the day job we have, the little girl we cheat on our wives, and speeding our Subarus, or more idiotically, those gigantic motorbikes

— like it is an achievement.

I urge men of my generation to read some more, to be more reflective about life. To understand that life never hands you what you deserve. It is perfect to cherish your wife and your family and give them your very best. It is not manly to run away from your problems.

Face up to your demons, go slow on that bottle, hit the gym, do something constructive, listen to your wife and children and if you can find your way to church.

Your drinking buddies will vanish if the shit ever hit the fan, you know.

@nyanchwani

[email protected]

The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Sde.co.ke


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