The ‘disability’ to resist onywaji

Politicians are not done buying sots booze in exchange for votes at the local. Independent candidates, who going by their sheer numbers should be a political party, have become the latest cash and booze cows at Wa-Hannah’s.

Those already registered for the August 8 polls are selling their manifestos with onywaji. It will be interesting how voters will differentiate them as some of their adopted symbols are as laughable as a hawker peddling G-strings outside State House Nairobi.

One candidate has the sugar bowl going by the scarcity of the commodity, while another has the mwiko to signify he’s part of the ‘Unga Revolution.’

Yet another still, has adopted the beer opener as an indicator of the tenders he’ll open for businesspeople like Kang’ethe who calls himself mkulima mdogo in line with the fake humility of a ‘certain community’ from Central Kenya.

But one independent candidate - just like in the last elections in which alianguka kwa mgongo - took the cake when he promised tulevis a trip abroad as long as each recruited 100 supporters.

But alas! the trip was meant for the physically challenged, and not wanting to let an opportunity disappear, he advised regulars at Wa-Hannah’s to pair up in and register with one person pretending to be confined to a wheelchair, and the other serving as an aide.

Nyambu, being paged and about to deliver a future voter ‘anytime soon’ as Owish often predicts although he’s not even a midwife, was out.

Kang’ethe chose to be on the wheelchair and teamed up with Diameter, the political analyst. Kot-Kot chose Owish, while Papa English and his wife, Sister Lucy, were slotted as representatives. The independent candidate was the go-between and head of mission with the embassy and ‘donors.’

But Murphy’s Law dictates that what is bound to go wrong, will go wrong and at the worst possible time.

And so, after visa applications, a luncheon starring endless crates of beer, wine and other makali za walami was in order, but the genetic drinking bug began biting ‘beneficiaries’ when the bar was officially open.

The independent candidate forgot ‘civic education’ for which he later ‘cried in the toilet’ after watching Kang’ethe and Kot-Kot jump off their wheelchairs, instructing the wide-eyed barman: “Tot kumi za Chivas, mtu wangu!”