Uncensored: Seven types of women you will find in Kilimani Mums group

It is a one-stop shop for ‘Muchene FM’, advice on sex, money, men, marriage and everything over and under the sun Photo: Posed by model

You have probably heard about them or eavesdropped on their convos. They are found on perhaps the most interesting online community, where women who are otherwise prim and proper out there, go to vent, gossip and seek advice about anything and everything.

Welcome to Kilimani Mums Uncensored Facebook page.

It has no dull moment and many are the women who are hooked to its juicy content. The posts are funny, rambunctious and bold. You can even say some are careless, stupid, and vulgar even. But amidst all this is feminine wisdom and camaraderie that is so addictive.

The page generally unleashes a certain wild side of women that you rarely see.

Kilimani Mums Uncensored brings together women from all walks of life, including MPs, senators, media personalities, NGO mandarins, as well as nabobs in government and corporate high fliers. The group is everything that is right and wrong with feminism, empowering the girl child, governance, and sexual freedom, including that of speech and association.

It is a one-stop shop for ‘Muchene FM’, advice on sex, money, men, marriage and everything over and under the sun.

When they say it is uncensored, they mean it in the most depraved, scatological and pornographic sense.

Members of Kilimani Mums Uncensored are funny, like the woman who asked, “What is the recipe for cooking condoms? Because that is all men come with when visiting single women.”

They can be obscene, like the woman who posted how her husband collapses between her thighs in the midst of giving her some oral shenanigans, and nothing, including offensive farts can wake him up.

Whether you believe them or not is not the point. This is the new world of the bold and liberated Nairobian woman.

Most of these women are bending their 30s, staggering into 40s and counting. Kilimani Mums Uncensored has become a social juggernaut worth a TV show.

Alice Mungai (not her real name), is a member and a self-confessed addict of the group.  She told The Nairobian that since joining the group, it has become like an aphrodisiac. She must get her daily dose and no day passes by without her checking what is happening, as well as the latest gossip.

 She enjoys every second of the group and reveals that her hubby actually thinks she could be cheating on him due to the amount of time she spends glued on her phone. “I swear these women crack my ribs. The comments and discussions are just weird and funny. Sometimes they sound fake, but I enjoy following the comments,” she said.

 Below are the profiles of women you are likely to meet on Kilimani Mums Uncensored.

The naggers and whiners

While 50 per cent of Facebook types are naggers, Kilimani Mums Uncensored has a special class of women for whom the page was godsend.

They take all their marital woes to the page with responses Maina Kageni would find appropriate for his morning show. They vary from the sober to the utterly insane.

But similarly surprising and insightful are the responses to the posts. You’ll be excused for thinking it is a requirement to have a PhD or master’s degree in psychology to join the group!

Braggarts and attention seekers

The group has become the place where women go to show off their pets, children (and their varied abilities) and fashion sense.

They say there is a peahen in every woman, and what better place to unleash the colourful ‘plumage’ than where narcissism is not only encouraged, but is the modus operandi.

A good example is a woman, whom we will call Susan, who woke up one morning and started ranting: “Dear Mums, kindly advise how I will revenge on my ‘hyena’ (hubby). He has just bought me a red Range Rover Vogue which I find ugly. Who the hell drives such a masculine car. Please help.”

The story tellers

You will soon discover that women have a killer sense of humour and wild imagination by visiting Kilimani Mums Uncensored.

The group teems with women who use their real names and pseudonyms to spin stories that leave members reeling in incredulity.

Some stories are just absurd. Some are bizarre. But no matter, if you want a script for a family drama series, Kilimani Mums Uncensored is the place to go. Most of these story tellers though, are men looking to have a little fun and play mind games with unsuspecting women!

 The serial updaters

These idlers post updates on traffic, terror alerts, complaints about being harassed by matatu conductors, and everything happening in their lives almost by the minute!

These are the same women who post photos of their infants. You even know what they fed them for lunch and when they wake up to change diapers at some ungodly hour.

The sales ladies

These are business opportunists. Their mantra is, ‘where two or three are gathered, a sales pitch is necessary.’ They have flooded the page, selling everything a woman needs, including sex toys, weaves and kids stuff.

They mostly take advantage of posts with the highest traffic and bombard fellow mums with links.

Mark you, this is despite the administrator warning them for interrupting the flow of muchene with such kind comments. Talk of being kichwa ngumu!

 The 24/7 advice gurus

The page also has become a fraternity, a kind of support system where women go to seek advice on their marital woes, what to buy for their children and what schools charge best and offer the best syllabus.

It works, and references are constantly being exchanged.

Of course we can’t forget those who will dish out advice on how to keep ‘Miss V’ clean, how to know your hubby is cheating, which bank has low interest rates, and which mechanic does an excellent job to ensure the tu-vitz don’t stall on Mombasa Road.

The trollers and haters

These ones mostly target public figures. In recent years, they attacked musician Linda Muthama over her decision to separate from former comedian turned Nairobi County Communication Director, Walter Mong’are.

The insults varied from insinuations that she was a gold-digger to a home wrecker. This category gives meaning to the word bitch! They will bitch over any comment, which of course attracts hundreds of other comments.