Pregnancy lessons and why alcohol can ‘dunga mimba’ in Kenya

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Nyambu, the barmaid who went on self-imposed ‘leave’ to give birth, has since returned to the local and replaced the dithering Gachiri taxi driver at the counter.

Doctors at the hospital mouthed that she had only experienced ‘false labour.’ They also cautioned her against lumbering to the ‘Screaming Room’ to taga her future voter and possible source of free laptop from the Jubilee government of ‘kusema na ku-tender’ while sporting some Mother’s Union underwear.

“Unakuja na ngotha maternity... kwa kitanda ulikua umeivaa?!” posed one midwife with an acidic tongue who also demanded to know “mwenye alikutia mimba ako wapi...ama yako ni ya Holy Spirit?” and Nyambu, who was also blessed with a rough tongue, which she unleashes on drunkards, recalls that, “Nilikunja mkia nikarudi kazini” where she took two bottles of ‘engine oil’ (Guinness) to increase imminent breast milk production.

Kang’ethe, who came to Nairobi “ikiwa na choo moja ya Kanjo” and has thus seen many pregnancies, advised that “njahi (black peas) have ensured that women from Central Kenya have enough milk from the nyosh” and that the onywaji move she was taking would only create “inter-generational alcoholism.”

Listening to the banter was Papa English. “Wewe ulinitia mimba na maternity I was all alone kama bar haina wateja?” she admonished Papa English who often gets amused that Kenyan women hardly realise that drinking alcohol, whose bill is being footed by a tax-burdened healthy male, can cause pregnancy.

Karembo, the resident hooker, was in the house and in the company of Raju, the muhindi who went missing in action from the local but has since returned. Raju was throwing Karembo endless rounds of Smirnoff Ice, also called the ‘Liquid Panty Remover’ for its power to seduce a G-string down the pelvis for a session of kurarua mashuka at Raha Yangu Bar & Lodging.

Raju, who could not explain why it’s hard to spot a muhindi on any Kenyan road with a kibuyu of ngata after running out of fuel, was giving a fisi look at Karembo’s thighs every time she angled her head while billowing cigarette smoke upwards.

Karembo swilled some 10 bottles and asked Raju: “Unanilewesha ndio nikugawie cargo...?” and before Raju could mount his defences, Karembo cupped her mouth and began ululating: “Wololololoooooo!....sikupii!..unless unifungulie duka!”

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