Missionary alert: Why don’t you lick the hairy cat?

Most men who do not perform cunnilingus are either selfish, clueless or ignorant - Sex therapist

There are couples for whom sex is that dirty, shameful, half-clothed, furtive missionary thing done in the dark. The babies come one after the other, laboured home by a mother who has never sniffed an orgasm.

Yet, contrary to what most men think, the way to a woman’s heart is not an M-pesa alert, or a sack of shoes or a boutique, car or house in her name. It is cunnilingus

— the ‘tongue twister’ hidden in the colourful undies that most husbands never buy for their wives.

If a wife with unfilled desires were to bump into a devil who dives south to make her feel like a woman, that marriage is toast because it is sex that makes the world go round.

“God wants human beings to enjoy sex to the fullest. He is the author of our bodies, the one who made us male and female and told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply,” Reuben Kigame wrote in a recent article to The Nairobian adding that, “this makes us choose many things, including who to enjoy sex with.”

Nothing, however, stirs more controversy than oral sex. There are those who swear by it and others for whom going down during lungula is definitely a no go zone. In the USA, states like Louisiana and North Carolina have banned consensual oral sex while it was only in 2007 that Singapore legalised oral sex for adult heterosexuals.

But Maurice Matheka, a well-known city sex therapist who believes that the tongue is the most powerful sexual tool men have, especially if they know how to use it, explains that orgasm from cunnilingus or a clit job is more explosive than the one achieved through normal intercourse.

What, however, irks him is that there are men who will go down on some stranger they met in a pub but insist on preying on their wives the missionary way.

“Most men who do not perform cunnilingus on their wives are selfish, clueless or ignorant. How do you explain the fact that a man performs oral sex on random people and not their partner or wife?” Matheka says.

Robert Mbugua, a technician, agrees: “Performing cunnilingus is something I love doing and I am proud to call myself a pro. I believe in satisfying the woman first before myself. I believe most men are just selfish by assuming women don’t need it but that is a lie,” the middle-age man said, adding that he first learned about it from a fantasy book before he began researching about it.

“I’m always willing to give a woman oral sex. The few women I have ‘interacted with’ have no complains,” he brags.

But Jacob Agenga, a city security a guard, maintains that cunnilingus must be an in-house job.

“I perform it on my wife and no one else. This is because I trust and know her. But first she must come down on me before I go down on her. We are now in a new era and we cannot have our parents’ bedroom mentality. We need to change with the times,” he counsels.

Not for James Brian who terms men who fix the plumbing using their tongues as rotten people who ape “mzungu things”.

“I do not believe in giving a woman cunnilingus because it is not in our African culture. Our women watch a lot of movies and funny things on TV and now they want us to do things like a wazungu,” says the businessman who prefers keeping it simple.

Besides, he says, there are other things people can do in bed apart from oral sex.

“I have not done it and I do not intend to do so. But that does not mean I am conservative. I will just not go down on her. There are also diseases, you know,” he quips.

 Sam Owino, an ICT system analyst, disagrees.

“I am a willing participant. I believe in satisfying each other. I first came across oral sex through Kamasutra videos and I was curious to try it. I also seek guidance from my partner. I don’t believe in doing things without learning,” he says, adding, “One mistake we men make is to trying things blindly without seeking directions from our women.”

Matheka, concurs, saying there is no right or wrong way for oral sex.

“It is best to ask the woman how she likes it. Interestingly, men actually tell their women how they like their strokes but never inquire what the women want,” says the therapist.

 But what do the women think?

Getrude Nanjala a sales lady says, “After giving this guy a blow job, he refused to go down on me and I became mad,” Nanjala told The Nairobian. “Guys giving your women oral sex is like getting ready to cook ugali yet you don’t want the water to boil,” she says.

“When a guy does it well even if it is not on a daily basis, it is pleasurable but I prefer being asked how it should be done,” Nanjala adds.

And for the clueless, Nanjala has some tips: “Eat it like fruit salad or lick it like sweet ice cream; do not spit on or bite it.”

She says that just like kissing, clit job is an art and you really need to be good at it.

 Bridget Achieng, a city socialite is with Nanjala on this.

The businesswoman believes that men should lick it but only when they have mastered the art. As a matter of fact, “I can’t be with a man who cannot down on me. The intimacy strengthens our connections and I’ll be able to know if the guy trusts me.”

Her best experience is, “when a guy made me climax using his tongue. The feeling was unforgettable, but the worst was when I switched off in bed because the guy did not know what he was doing. I don’t want ever want to see him again.”

“Would you want eat githeri all your life?” asks Loise Njeri an accountant who would kill for adventures in the bedroom.

Her experience with cunnilingus have been nothing but mind-blowing.

“I remember this day when bae and I were taking a steamy shower and one minute he was nibbling my neck and the next, I was holding onto the floor, legs up in the air while he delicately went down on me, all I can say I enjoyed it because he knew what he was doing,” said Njeri adding, “I wouldn’t date a sexually restricted man. Experimenting keeps the relationship fresh. It makes it fun.”