Ted Talk: Is this woman really pregnant or just messing with me?

Hi Uncle Ted,         

I have been in a relationship with this woman for seven months. Now, the lady is claiming she is carrying my child, yet she has been using pills. Is this possible?


First, I hope you are not talking about sleeping pills. And if madam has been swallowing morning after pills every day for seven months, you are going to be the father of a noisy, bed-wetting baby very soon. Not that birth control pills are any better. If you had bothered to read the small print on the packet before installing your hardware, you’d have known that they are 99 per cent effective, which leaves a small window for an ambitious tadpole to pitia kati kati yao like Kalonzo and pull a “ndaaani, ndaaani kabisa!” Nick Salat style.

Which brings me to my point. So what if she’s pregnant? Before you do the nasty with someone, vet them for hereditary scabies, chronic malnutrition, political idiocy, psychopathic tendencies, ugly knees, bad breath and so forth. You see, we have turned lungula into a recreational activity and forgotten that its primary function is procreation. Unfortunately, a condom is most likely to burst when you are banging a moron!