Night about town from the local

There are fewer joys comparable to ruining one’s liver in the knowledge that staggering home to the long-suffering wife won’t be interrupted by a ‘rough neck massage,’ also known as ngeta, at midnight.

A mongrel will bark as your legs wheel your willing body towards the mtaro, but well, you can always look for a stone to nyorosha its teeth with while shouting, “Kwenda, umbwa wewe!” before unzipping to ‘hold the future of Kenya’ for that burning pee, on the only surviving tree in your dusty estate.

But the high cost of living in Kenya, coupled with job cuts, profit warnings and loss of spending power, have led to reduction of money in circulation and with it, an escalation of crime which has now hit the local.

Waka-Knife, whose tools of trade are enough to discourage any crook with ‘local knowledge’ from entertaining any ideas of robbing him, was shocked when he became the victim of a rough neck massage.

“Nilishikwa shingo nika shuta,” he explained, as Nyambu laughed so hard, we thought it would induce a miscarriage. “But nilibaki na sweater ya huyo kauzi after kumdunga kisu kwa kahasho,” he added in a tone meant to vindicate himself.

But when Waka-Knife arrived home with the evidence, he was shocked when his wife asked where their son was since he was holding “ile sweater alivaa after supper!”

Owish ‘Jakom’ chotad a ‘night nurse’ “kutoa Turkey,” but come morning after a night of kurarua mashuka, woke up only to see the ka-poko wrapping his home theatre in a green paper bag.

Calling the cops saw Karao Kiprop turning up to arrest Owish after the ka-poko, while sobbing, claimed that she was a God-fearing lass turned into a sex slave for months on end.

Owish was arrested after kuinuliwa juu kwa juu as he begged, “Wacha kuniaibisha kwa majirani.” He was released on a Sh150,000 bribe, since sex slavery can see an offender cooling porridge in Ka-Stick Maximum Prison for 15 years. Owish paid after a shylock took his home theatre, digital TV and laptop as collateral.

Karao Kiprop later threw helicopter rounds at Wa-Hannah’s while shouting to someone on the other end of his phone: “Sex slave... rarua mashuka na big fish leo!”