Where does my husband disappear to at midnight?

Dear Uncle Ted,

Once a week, my husband wakes up at night and whispers, ‘Sweetie, did you hear that strange noise outside?’ Then he arms himself with a Somali sword and tiptoes out for 20 minutes or more.

Problem is, I have a neighbour in the flat whose husband works in Dubai.

I don’t like the way she looks at him. Do you think my hubby is doing something fishy with her?


Nairobi is full of cowardly men, Eva. Men who deserve to grow breasts. If a cockroach scurries across the floor, they dive under the bed. You should be proud that you have a hubby who is brave enough to step out in the dark to protect his wife.

But having said that please be fair. If your neighbour’s hubby is in Dubai, how do you expect her to cope?

You can’t be teaching your kids that ‘sharing is caring,’ yet you are too mean to let your husband ‘assist’ a fellow woman whose garden has not been ploughed for months.

However, the night he comes sprinting into your bedroom in his birthday suit with an angry man running after him with a sharp panga, the first thing you should check is whether a rubber is stuck on his shrivelled ‘spear.’