Seven wannabes you ought to know about

Starting today and all the way till mid-week, many of us, especially the ladies, are going to be either anxious or going all gaga over that funny non-holiday called Valentine’s Day.

Here is the ABC, DEF and even ‘G’ on VWs (Valentine Wannabe’s, not Volkswagen, ye smart aleck).

A – Abba Babas

These are the ‘Alpha Male’ wannabes, sometimes called sponsors, who some young women see as ‘blessers.’ You are in university, he is your local area MP, Senator or even Governor. In your naïve mind, you see this man as the ‘Power and the Glory’, the end to any and all financial woes; all you have to do is be his ‘hoe’ (and, after all, you have been giving it to that penniless ras college-mate of yours, Joe, for free, so why not)?

Your blesser flies you to Coast, to a five star, for a weekend and you are over the moon. Mpesas come fast and furious like frenzied bullets from a Shaabab’s Uzi. Life is easy, and you are the envy of your gal pals.

Until you tell the big man you are ‘preggers’ and he says he’ll ‘take care of you.’ You get a baby girl and you call her Abba (because her father loves their songs, he is from that era). But Baba Abba suddenly remembers he is married, and wants nothing to do with you or baby Abba.

But his Prado is still prowling around, picking up pretty Aida who just won ‘Miss University’. That is when you will remember the ABBA lines ‘I was in your arms, thinking I belonged there’, with bitterness.

B- Baby Mommas

There is nothing worse than a baby momma with drama. And nothing more wannabe than a lazy baby momma! Some wannabes out there imagine the word ‘labour’ actually means the effort a woman puts into ‘pushing’ and popping a brat out. Once that is done, they think their work on this earth is done.

So they sit back on big buns on the sofa, getting fat and waiting for ‘mzee’ to provide for everything, without help, to the end of his natural life. These are the kind of wannabes who drive Roxanne on the other page mad. Life is not a nine month labour camp, woman, where once that is done, you can simply continue to exist like a potted plant, getting everything provided for you.

C- Concubines

I prefer this old fashioned word, concubine, to the more classy ‘clandestine’ because it brings out the ‘wannabe wife’ nature of the relationship. What begins as concupiscence on the man’s part inevitably ends up with his mistress wanting to concretise the relationship. Men with concubines, incidentally, end up with the most headaches on days like Valentine’s, because she also wants to be seen, and on PDAs.

D- Deadbeat Dads

Then there are those of us wannabes out here who will simply not take responsibility for the wild oats we spawned in the course of a wild life.

E- for ‘Ex Excess.’

Other wannabes will simply not let go of their past relationships. And woe unto ye if you end up with these excessively sentimental types. Their ‘ex’ will end up in every other conversation. Worse still, you will find them still in communication, wishing each other ‘HBD’ and waxing nostalgic on auld lang syne.

F – for ‘Friends with Benefits’

There is NOTHING like friends with benefits. There are only wannabe hyenas in wolf-skin, prowling around the lonely and the horny female members of their rafiki circles, trying to see what juicy morsels may fall their way.

And we as Fisi United Company of Kenya (please don’t ask for our acronym, friend) wish to warn these errant members of F*** that if they continue with this behavior, we will suspend them indefinitely, starting the 14th.

G-for Girlfriends who are wannabe Harlots

If, every time you meet, talk or even communicate on WhatsApp, Messenger, FB chat or anywhere she is asking you for money for her hair, for fare, for lunch ( ‘woije bae eye muh gin si jah sosi’) and you’ve heard the words ‘hebu mpesa’ a million times more than ‘I love you,’ then, my fren’, that’s a wannabe.

I – In the end, you need to remember to love yourself a little, before you can love other folks lots.