The wannabes: Seven ways to live and die like a wannabe

If only this could happen [Photo:Harry]

Imagine it is a Saturday night and you are on the Nairobi-Naivasha highway, thinking of the good times that lie ahead - it’s the long Jamhuri Day weekend.

Suddenly, a truck careens down the hill and crashes into a matatu ahead of you. What are the chances that it is carrying highly flammable chemicals? Very little, right? Except it is.

They explode, and soon you have a fatal fireball and full inferno situation going on.

You manage to escape with serious second degree burns to your hands, and a good Samaritan drives you to the nearby Karai Dispensary.

What are the chances that the doctors and nurses are on strike?

Minimal, right? Except, they are, and all you’ll get by way of medical help is from the kind hearted security guard at the gate who says she’ll help you wash your hands, apply Vaseline to the burns then swathe your hands with a handkerchief.

 As you leave your skin in the sink, this is what you think (through pain gritted teeth): ‘Where are wannabe quack doctors like that Melly of Meretei when you need them?’

The above is a real life example of Murphy’s Law

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong

But there are many other natural laws that govern the lives of we wannabes, and as the year winds down, let me share some of them with you simply because they are not going anywhere.

Even in 2017, these wannabe unwritten laws of how life works will still be with us.

People who stay in the middle of the road get run over

This is one of the laws that encourages wannabes to take position, for one side or the other. For example, in 2017, you’re either Jubilee or Cord.

 In life, as in desserts, water melons get eaten (also, they are excellent for hangovers, but that’s not the point). Of course one retired Emilio would testify that fence sitters go far in life.

If you don’t go where you are going, you might not get there

This one means that, in the New Year, make resolutions and stick to them. Most folks just meander through life hoping to reach a certain destination, which is often not clear to them.

Whether it is weight or career, it is good to know where you are navigating to, lest you just end up stuck in a jam in Karai.

Time heals all wounds

You may have lost a job or a loved one or something important this year, but time’s tides have their way of healing our souls, though the scars stay. I also like the corollary – Time wounds all heels (aka asses). If you are a wicked person, like say you tell terrible lies about others, in time you’ll be exposed and disgraced.

Finnegan’s Law – the further away the future, the better it looks

Of course by 2020, 2022, definitely by 2030, we are all FAT and happy, and all our dreams have come true.

That belt vendor in the bar is a wannabe millionaire, because of course if he keeps betting on combinations every weekend, he’ll hit the ‘Bet In’ jackpot.

The older you get, though, the more the corollary wannabe law of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ (the Good Old Days) comes into play

In this Utopia, things were definitely wonderful in 1982 to 1989, everything was cheaper, traffic non-existent and the world was full of maziwa ya Nyayo and honey.

Gummidge’s Law – to be regarded as an expert, speak in sentences not easily deciphered by wannabes

So Education CS Fred Matiang’i pays a surprise visit next January to your school that badly flopped KCSE and finds an equally woebegone lot.

As headmaster, you don’t tell him, ‘This current lot is also made up of lazy bottom feeders, daft as bricks who will add zero to society.’ My friend, you’ll be displaced to Mandera!

What you, as principal, say to the CS is this: ‘Fred, my friend, these academic participants are performing minimally for their peer group, but there is no cause for anxiety – our institution specialises in the processing of Kenya’s emerging underachievers.’

Pap! You’ll be seen as an expert and may even be promoted to your level of incompetency.

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