10 ways jiranis will ruin your Christmas

There are neighbours both in villages and towns who will make your life miserable this Christmas season. They will shred your nerves and make your mind feel like it is being turned inside out. You will wish they moved neighbourhoods. Or they dropped dead. But most likely that won’t happen. Here are 10 wicked things neighbours will do to you this Christmas.

1. Gate crashing

With X-mass comes parties, be they circumcision, wedding, engagement, baby shower, family get-together or ‘ruracio’. That is where uninvited neighbours will come calling, taking front seats and pompously sauntering around like they bankrolled the damn party.

2. Bad mouthing  

After gate crushing, the aforementioned jirani will eat to their fill, but still find something wrong with your daughter’s graduation party arguing that she aborted and that the chapos were not soft, the pilau tasted like ugali and tea was choma ulimi!

3. Missing in action

You will hand write a note to your neighbour to attend your ceremony. The reason being the neighbour owns a ploughing tractor and his son can marry your daughter who is vegetating in your homestead. The bad news is that the jirani will neither  turn up nor bother to apologize deflating your ego which normally the size of a small Pacific Island.

4. Borrowing without returning

The jirani will come for sufuria kubwa ya chai, cups, spoons and thermos for their guests, but won’t bother returning them and when you make a follow-up, only a fraction of borrowed stuff will be returned.

5. Stealing your toto’s toys

Your grandchildren from Nairobi will get to the village with pricey toys like cars, dolls and Play Stations. Watoto wa jirani will come and due to ushamba and kiherehere, they will break them, that if they don’t steal them.

6. Analysing your family

Nosy jiranis will demand to know from which community your daughter in-law comes from, and whether she’s learned, how she carries herself around and does she cook and talk to people?

They will carry out a visual DNA test and have results revealing that the family’s hair colour and molars of your children are different from those of other kin. Then everybody will be told about these test results in whispers behind your back.

7. Picking quarrels

You have this long standing animosity which has never been resolved. You have always lived in fear of each other. Then out of the blue when you are in the company of wageni, this neighbour rants about one of your servants stealing from them.

Asking them to lower their voice only makes them wail louder as you just stare in shame.

8. Niangalilie nyumba

A jirani goes shags and makes his watchie ati niangalilie hioo moja vitu visiibiwe only for you to realise later that they were calling other neighbours to check on you.  

9. Bringing nothing from Shags

Since your economic challenges forced you to hang kwa ploti as others go shags does not mean they will bring you anything like maziwa ya ngo’mbe, fruits,veges or a piece of mbuzi. If you are lucky they will narrate how their Christmas was but won’t divulge who graduated or got married.

10. Tusaidie lift

Since the fares from whichever shagz to Nairobi will be higher than all the public funds looted, your neighbour will ask for a lift. Like a kind hearted neighbour, you will be glad to help. Your neighbour will come with his wife, kids, their house help, another friend, relative and their entire luggage. You can’t turn them down since they will say “unaringa”. You won’t drive in peace since they will be noisy and eat all sorts of roadside foods at every shopping centre.

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