Those in the know say men love marrying a woman who can be a wife in the kitchen but a whore in the bedroom.
And the extraordinary lengths they go to spice and thus be what their men want can stupefy even the most daring.
Just the other day, the Internet was on fire over news that our women use blue Strepsils lozenges for more than dealing with sore Kenyan throats.
Besides Strepsils, there is also widespread use of lemon and Coke to tighten ‘P-Unit’ especially among new mothers who get elastic after child birth. Or having too much lungula.
Take Joyce Nduta. After giving birth to a son, sex became routine, boring and lacked some oomph.
“I became worried and insecure and in one of our Kamweretho meetings, shred my fears with my friends. One advised that I drip lemon juice in my vagina and it would pull together and tighten,” she told The Nairobian, confessing that she’s not sure the thing worked save for a painful itch.
Visiting a therapist got her confidence back and “I think I was just insecure after hearing that a woman’s honey pot expands after child birth.”
Margaret Akinyi from Huruma estate in Nairobi says a conversation with a neighbour who was a hooker changed her sex life as she let it slip that “after every client she washes down there with Coke so that the next client almost feels like she was a virgin” after washing her ‘Euro bond’ with Coke.
The use of Coke is not new as in the 1950s and 1960s it was used as a douche since women believed Coke contained carbon and pouring it inside er ‘P-Unit’ would kill sperms.
Social media was awash recently when women confessed that they used Strepsils before giving their men ‘tongue lashing’ as apparently, licking the ‘lollipop’ while having Strepsils in the mouth gave men that tingling, cooling effect that gets them exploding like a Volcano.
The reverse, when used by the man during fellatio, has the same cooling effects on the woman’s petunia.
“Men too have caught the bug and have learned the art of going down on women while mumunyaring Strepsils so as to get them ladies reciting the Lord’s prayer in Gujarati.
Then there are those who swear by herbalists who sell ‘P-Unit tightening concoctions, ointments, creams and herbs.
Winnie, a student at a local university, says her fiancé is obsessed with squirts so she takes a glass of water to feel like peeing during sex. “He cannot tell whether it is peeing or squirting, it boosts his ego and he brags to his friends that he gets me to squirt,” she says, smiling cheekily.
Other women are known to moan the roof down as knowing when and how to moan is a technique that makes the bedroom sound like a blue movie theatre.
Rachel Nasiche, a salon proprietor, in Migori town told The Nairobian that women clients come to her salon wanting to know the secret of Ugandan women in bed.
“Whenever men know I am from Uganda, their interest hits the roof,” she bragged, adding that she advises them to practice the art of shaking their waists known as Ssenga.
Nasiche also revealed that Kenyan women are flocking Uganda to have their inner lips pulled with the help of special herbs.
“During intercourse, the elongated lips tickles and gently squeezes the male member which coupled with waist shaking gets the man singing Halleluja,” Nasiche explains, adding that having one’s labia pulled is painful.
Awiti Midema, a midwife popularly known as “Min Ji” in Kisumu’s Mowlem Estate says during delivery the birth canal expands, but says with time, it finds its groove back. “We do not stitch like is done in hospital and in case of a small tear during child birth, we advise the women to use hot water and salt to enable the wound to heal,” and a woman has no reason to feel insecure.
But it is the Strepsils discussion that got women dishing all manner of tips in matters bedroom.
The saliva from a cow you see chewing cud by the road side in shagz could be a lubricant during lungula as Loise Achieng sensationally claimed on Facebook.
“My husband actually thinks that I’m completed aroused since the saliva is very elastic and keeps him going for hours,” Loise told shocked readers that she applies the saliva in the shower before going to bed. How she harvests the saliva is story for another day.
While Loise chooses animal lubricants, Silas Muraguri goes for pilipili to prolong intimacy and “Every woman I sleep with has to agree to put pepper in her vagina. It prolongs the time we get intimate and I love to see a woman in pain. It turns me on.
You know what they say, pain is pleasure” Muraguri confessed, adding there is no shortage of women who agree to go through the ordeal.
Elsie Cheptum revealed that she bleached down there with makaa mixed with sour milk because “to avoid infections you have to mix charcoal with milk.
You have to use it repeatedly for weeks. Men really think that my vagina is really clean because of it’s current skin tone. If they are happy, I’m happy.”
And it’s not just in Kenya where women ensure down there is as pale as a creepy China doll. In Thailand and India, its whitening that’s all the rage as bleaching makes it so pale it practically glows in the dark.
While most women use strange products, others ‘lock’ their partners. Like Lydia Gesare, a communication expert, who some time back walked around with blood and a piece of hair from her partner stuck in her ‘P-Unit’ to stop him from cheating.
“My husband used to have a roving eye and so a friend advised me to visit a Mganga in Tanzania. I had to walk around balancing his blood and hair portions in my vagina.
“It was uncomfortable but all worth it. He only has eyes for me” says Lydia who got the blood and hair while his man slept.
Incredible as it sounds, while everyone is barking about corruption, for millions of Kenyans, the biggest challenge is getting a big “O”.