In another life: Willy Paul would be a mtumba dealer and Timmy Tdat the notorious nduthi guy

Wahu – Nurse
  • If our celebs were not famous, their everyday kind of jobs would be epic- Khaligraph would be a shamba boy
  • The 11 celebs are featured in jobs that they probably would not imagine themselves in, but wouldn’t Wahu make a good nurse?
  • The reserved roles were settled on in respect to the character of the celebrities

 

Have you ever paused to wonder what your favourite musician would be in another world, not doing what they love and are appreciated for?

We took out some music kingpins and really spun things off their occupations and away from what they even pursued as careers, based on their demeanour, physique and even how we sometimes perceive them to be.

Wahu – Nurse

Perhaps it is the nurturing aspect or motherhood that has made her seem like she would handle patients quite well. She can still serve you a smile even when you are being a disgusting and stubborn human being.

In as much as she can also have a straight face, she would be the good nurse, not the bad one that yells at you to go numb your pain because you are not the first one to experience such discomfort.

Mejja – Butcher

Picture him with a discoloured butcher’s coat that hasn’t been laundered for a while and slopping headgear. Maybe a shirt that fits a little too snuggly around the belly with some buttons missing. He could be as efficient as he is generous, especially since he has been working as a butcher since he was 12 years old.

He doesn’t speak much, a toothpick in his mouth and creased handkerchief hanging from his pockets as he wafts flies from the meat he is chopping. Being the good and comical actor he is, perhaps he should try pulling this look off in one of his upcoming videos. Up to the challenge, Mejja?

Nameless - Watchman

You know the askaris that always great you as you come in or leave. They are quick to open the gate and ask to read the newspaper if you are not using it at that time. This one never asks for money. Not directly, at least.

 Instead he will smother you with “mkubwa”, “madam” and such-like pleasantries as well as random, overly, acts of kindness that you would have to be mean not to feel like he deserves a little tip for always ensuring your car is sparkling clean and those pleasantries should never go unrewarded.

Timmy T-Dat – bodaboda guy

Timmy T-Dat – bodaboda guy

This is your raucous motorbike guy who is always available when you need him to pick you up or pick someone up for you. He notably mistakes ladies good nature for mutual thirst and he starts to feel invincible with the way he speaks with the ladies.

They can dump him for another but his aggressive nature will always bring you back because he is the dependable one.

Churchill ‘King’ang’I’ – Headmaster

Even with his choice of nickname, I bet he must have looked deeply into what suits his disposition. He is now definitely not a mere ‘mwalimu’ walking into classrooms, he has now graduated to the headmaster complete with the body to fit.

Always confident before large crowds of people that he addresses weekly. With his humorous nature it is hard to imagine him as a harsh headmaster. With the number of followers and mentees that walk around with a career he handed them, his would not be a mistake.

Khaligraph – Shamba boy

Lose the tattoos first then you can visualise what I am driving at here. The guy that prunes the thicket fence, mows the lawn, and tends to whatever livestock you keep in your shagz. He is buffed-up and built but he has no idea.

With haughtiness to match, he cannot be told anything by any other person except his boss and even (the boss) sometimes gets the occasional, “Mkubwa, si hiyo mi najua (No Sir, that’s not how I know it)”. He is good at what he does and often good-natured, as long as you keep the two gorogoros (tin measure) of maize coming so that he can take to the posho mill- maize flour from the supermarket is as good as sleeping hungry for this guy. Of course, you keep the supply coming because he is dependable.

Kaka Sungura – smokies/boiled eggs vendor by the roadside

Kaka Sungura – smokies/boiled eggs vendor by the roadside.

Let us take you back to the days when he wore the sewn hat (thank heavens he moved on from that). Then we can definitely go on to add a Farmers Choice overcoat that has seen better days. He knows his job and is quite fast with the way he serves. You can bet he makes good money than the average smokies’ guy just from watching him being the aggressive and serving with courtesy

Size 8 – Waitress

She is quick and chatty so you will definitely picture her with the broad smile coming through to your table to take the order. However, she is likely to serve someone who looks like they tip better than you so you might wait a little longer.

Although if you are a regular at her restaurant she would probably know you by name, know what you like and how you like it served. She, however, doesn’t take your nonsense because she has seen the number of women you have brought to the restaurant and how touchy-feely you have been with them, so don’t even waste your time flirting. Her stern looks will shrivel your efforts.

DJ Crème de Crème– Tout along Route 58

Those neat ones at the 58 stage who can do stunts by the matatu as it zooms at full speed down Jogoo Road loud music blaring. He is always very courteous with the ladies, the ultimate smooth operator. Even if you do not get into the matatu he has asked you to get into he still complements your style, or smile or your body. I bet you the next time you will get into his vehicle.

Occasionally, he can be curt. One thing for sure he is a player, he has the bad-boy games by his fingertips. If you ever met him in a club, trust me, you would never know or even believe he is a tout.

Willy Paul – Mtumba dealer

Willy Paul – Mtumba dealer

If this guy doesn’t remind you of the guy that sells you those ‘camera’ second-hand clothes at Adams Arcade then we will gladly paint the picture for you. His lanky frame and talkative nature already speaks for itself just like most of these sellers. They like to be well-groomed and can be full of themselves with an ego to top it off.

You could believe him when he tells you how gorgeous you look in the dress you don’t even like. Occasionally, when you listen to him, he will tell you stories including those of how he was called to join campus but he is a genius who preferred the hustle, after all, you don’t need a degree to make money. Occasionally he will boisterously claim he makes much more than the people he went to high school with.

Femi One – M-Pesa attendant

With an attitude to match, she can totally fit the M-Pesa lady bill. We can arrange how to shave off all the eyebrows and draw them back on in a single line like the Nike logo. Then we can throw in with some shady manicure and basic hairstyle.


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