So KCSE results came out last week for Pulsers, and already schools opened the day before yesterday, and today is the curriculum conference, chilly as curry powder, thanks to the dynamic duo of Magoha n the great Dr. Mataingski.
And here is a set of three lingua rules to carry into this new Year, 2017.
Six tired phrases to leave bar-hind in 2016.
‘I See what you did there’ – a very annoying phrase, most often found on comment threads. You say sumthing smart or funny; n some clown paws in “I see what you did there.’ Of course you did, you dung-butt.
Pointing it out is yur pathetic way of saying ‘ohh, I’m so clever to have spotted your funky shizzle.’ Plus it sounds creepy, like the title of a horror, or pointing out the poo of a toddler – ‘I smell yur sh**’.
‘Kula kwa macho’ – it was fun to say this after Diamond n whoever he had collabod with chomoad the video, but now, it is simply sad. Like drinking a packet of yoghurt, a month after it has expired.
‘The struggle is real’ – this waz cool for a while, kwanza when it has a hashtag, just the way smoking in public buses was once okay. But just like puffing away inside a PSV, it is soooo no longer cool to say this.
‘Niokote Githurai’ – or ‘niokote Rongai’ ... Niokote anywhere, to indicate how hard yuv chekad, is very stale. If you still say this, just stop! Otherwise, throw yourself into a bin, tuku-okote kwa pipa, my peeps.
‘Maf* ya Kuku’ – I heard someone insult someone else in a pub recently with this ancient MYK, n I looked around to make sure I had not walked into a 2002 time loop, with Unbwoggable riding the charts n Rao calling us all out for rainbow riots. Waaaaat?!
‘Sisi kama Team Mafisi Sacco’ – okay, so ‘team mafisi,’ with its sister branch ‘fisilets’ has been one of the longest surviving slogoz ever, n maybe hyenas still have some distance to run (or chase) in 2017.
But as an ex-chairman of #TeamFisiKisii, we are definitely disbanding the Saccoz.
Cool phrases to take into 2017
‘Inawessa, Haiwess?’ – I thank Timmy T Dat for this one, n tis a good one, like ‘Tuendelee ama tusiendelee’ digitalized for 2017.
Politicos should pick up on this one, n lipa Timmy T to sing it.
‘Are you rede?’ – like, for 2017? Other than the ‘ready’ meaning, ‘rede’ also means yur reading into a situazhion, or advice. Eg, ‘what’s yur rede?’ (pssst, Gin Ideal, are you rede, waz the hawtest 2016 celeb).
‘Kamatia Chini’ – to ‘eat’ or ‘chew’ downstream, on the sly, whether it is cheddar from a tender or a juicy chiquitta.
‘Tutam-kamatia chini,’ said the chief hyena of TeamMafisi (‘screw the Sacco’, *screamed the fisilet, who’d just served her sosej funga breakfast omlette).
AF* - as f***! Mfano kwa sentensi? Have you seen Sosuun? She’s fine af! (asante, Bree Cherusta. For a while, I’d thot *af was an abbreviation for ‘African,’ lol).
Thitima – as in, umepigwa na radi, or yuv caught shock. January kuingia, na ajalipa fees, ilikuwa ‘thitima!’
(If you want to add ‘uuuuwiii,’ thaz entirely up to you).
#HatupendiUjinga – the Smitta’s all time 2016/7 favourite. Kwa sababu ni kweli – sisi hapa Scene@ ‘hatupendi ujinga.’ Long may this phraeling reign, ama aje, Real Solorare?
Sminglish for 2017
‘Matiangiski’ – the real deal, becoz Matiang’i is for ‘making ‘A’ great again.’ So if yuv got a new ‘designer’ watch, you can be asked: ‘Hio mbota ni ya Matiangski ama ni zile za rwabe uko Ungwaro?’
‘Akpeneski’ – an important n true biggy, eg, Papa Ahmed is our akpeneski.
‘Opata’ – ukiangukia kitu, you have ‘opatad’ it. However, if you steal it, yuv ‘opated’ n hepad with it.
For example, a careless fool n their money are soon opated.
Chaddiwhacked – to be beaten by a smaller team/person, the way Hillary lost to Trump. For example, if Chelsea loses to Petersborough on Sunday in the FA Cup, we’ll have been ‘chaddiwhacked.’
Cribitch – a babe who is always moaning, complaining, naggy-naggy n cryin’ or whining. The opposite, cute n sweet, is a ‘chindimna’ or ‘chimamanda,’ to totally Africanise it.
‘Skidaddle’ – use it to tell someone to ‘potea.’ Or it can be used by someone thisaway – this is it for the week, skimbiz. I’m skidaddling outta here. See y’all next week, don’bee chaddiwhacked by 2017.