Scene at: Femme fatale versus Pilau Njeri who won?

Every Femmi One bar in that song is a jab Photo: Harry

I love beef, n thaz no lie.

And just when we thought beef was firmly a thing of the past, like that thing of saying ‘niokotwe Githurai’ or ‘niokotwe Nyeri’ when yuv been amused to death, along came Femmi One hitting out at ‘Pilau’ Njeri.

Let me say it right from the start – I luv Femmi One’s forehead! The only thing is if it collides into your own forehead saa zile mna ‘kuta vitu,’ the chances of you having a concussion n getting’ hospitalised are very high, kedo nainte per cent.

But I love the way Femmi One don’t give a finger, n rapped it like it is in her diss-track.

Like she said, it is not cool to wake up sleeping dogs, na ‘afadhal’e mungewacha tu nilale ka Collins (Collo) Majale ...’ Uhm, who exactly chokozad Femmi One, for real, if her diss-track chomokad first?

It is clear, though, that like a school bully (kwanza one who comes to school in an army camo jacko, combat boots n a black bra peepin’ out), Femmi One was out kuwachizisha ka Conje, na ‘kuwakula weekly ka otonje.’

But it is true what she said – hio ujinga ya watu kuweka pose ya kuinua mguu moja kwa mapicha mtawacha! What are you posing for like that for anyone, like a pea-brained flamingo?

And Femmi One kept it on, attacking kina Njeri for putting flowers on their foreheads @ Snap Chat.

Yup, thaz the kinda s**t the Smitts also doesn’t like. WTF?

Every Femmi One bar in that song is a jab, every line a punch at her rivals (including Noti Flow, whom anutha female killer called Kyki said is a stripper, ‘na mafans wake wote ni wa Pornhub’.

Easy there, Kyki. Imma P-hubber, but I’ve never liked Noti Flow, so) ... heh heh. Kyki, by the way, is a psychiatric case.

Anyway, by the time Femmi One waz done, her jabs had made wakina Pilau Njeri bend over in pain like dudettes with cramps.

But becoz periodz are not forever, Pilau Njeri soon recovered, and hit back at ‘Femmi Plan’ with a funny video called ‘Conoka’ complete with a beat stolen strait from STL.

‘Niliona umemea boots na boobs kujichochea, lakini ata ukikula ugali na pilau, mboga uwezi tosha!’

Pilau Njeri then went for Femmi One’s jugular – ‘ati unachorea ma-boys? Labda number saba.’ (Ok, so maybe not the ‘jugular’ but certainly a sensitive part of Femmi One’s anatomy).

As Njeri sips on her Hennessy, she asks ‘kuku mwitu na kuku porno? sasa hizo ni nini?’ and tells Femmi that the only thing she can chew at a five-star is ‘vako,’ (after rubbing in salt by telling her to go strip uko Altona), lol.

But the best bit of Pilau Njei’s reply is right at the end when she says she puts on makeup, and plays at dress up ... and tells Femmi One ‘we ji-pake simiti, nimekuachia u-hardcore.’

Guess the fair Njeri, softie she’s supposed to be, wazn’t going to take them Conje jabs lying down.

But there is a lot of vernacular ya usapere in the song, so the Smitts must echo Femmi and Kyki.

Pilau Njeri, kuna wakati atukuerewi yet you can speak fruent Engrich, hio usapere wako uta pereka Ndumberi.

As we used to say at old bar Hooters ‘speak Swa or Engrich’ ndio tukuerewe, ara! These are not gava officez where u can just speak any-howly in yur vernacular.

Speakin’ of disses, as I wrote this piece, our marketer Gloria Kossitany called to tell me sumzing about tee-wee, n I got to torture her with dat Laura Branigan wimbo she detests, n what can I say – ‘Gloria was calling my number and I had to answer, but she left me hanging on the line with her voice still in my head (calling Glo-ree-ah)!’

If you know anyone called Gloria – this is the #GloriaChallenge – check out this Branigan song on YouTube, put it on yur fone, n every time your Gloria walks in, play (n sing) it for them.

It drives Glorias up de wall, n is fun as hell too.