Kenyan Celebs who are just too much

Barack Obama kujad last Friday, some of us rushed to Mombasa Road (not too far from the crib) to wave at his beastly motorcade and shout ‘Obamzi,’ he left on Sunday for Addis, n now we can all get off our high horses - n Airforce Ones - n get back to everyday ushenzi of Kenyans n celebz.

Where had we left off?

O, yea, Huddah Monroe.

I never got round to watt I thought of her rachet behaviour after Mzee Ojwang’ Hatari kufad, saying ati she was happy she got the chance to act as Kayai alongside the late icon.

Seriously? I think Huddah was in her diapers when Vitimbi’began; assuming she had even been born by then. N if she was in her diapers, she took them off n asked for a thong. Does she even know who Othorong’ong’o was? I bet when Ojwang’ heard that Huddah had said she was once ‘Kayai,’ he somersaulted in the morgue, shrieked ‘hiiii’ and did a few press-ups.


Noti Flow

Ok. I know it is hard to stay famous after singing just one song called Hella or Hallo or sumthing back in twenty thirteen which niggaz don’t remember. But Noti Flow’s efforts to be relevant, including joining the ‘hot’ gay debate recently are just too rachet - liike a kangaroo bonking hyena.

She went on some ‘Pulse’ online mag to defend her ‘way of dressing’ n lifestyle semaing ati ‘I am bi-sexual, tomboyish, not yur every day gal, I have to balance everyting, I am not lesbo I swing both ways ...’ Blah blah blah! Like, really, who cares whether you wanna get ‘shuma irare ndani’ or prefer otherwise? Watever gets you off, wenchski. Yu can even walk ndethe if you want, wacha siasa n silli storoz.


Miss Mandi

Her FB n social media stuff looks like a menu in a disorganised restaurant (pengine hio ya China pahali waweza ata pewa mbwa, kula). Miss Mandi thinks she’s God’s gift not only to media, social media, the celeb culture, but also God’s gift to gourmet, to cooks, n feels so hawt tis like she’z God’s gift to looks. How about she takes the oft trash talk abt being ‘fly sh*t’ n such stuff a notch down, n tries a recipe called ‘Humble Pie’ for once?


Colonel Mustafa

Marafiki ni kuambiana ukweli, n altho I like the Colonel at a personal level - our CNN of Pulse waz also his big back in the day booster - his behaviour seems to be getting as weird as his latest ‘music’ lately. I never quite got wat his tiff with Nyota Ndogo was recently - maybe ed Stevoski did - but yu dnt bang n tell, ba’naa. Wacha kuanika waschana kwa jua ya mchana. Talking of ‘anikaing waschana,’ I watched that video of his Dodoma Singida wit my mouth agape.

Ok, so there waz some chicka twerking - but wat the eff is dat video all about. Wat is ‘Dodoma Singida’ anyway, ama you can only click that dizzle down in Dodoma, TZ? Bollox n buttox.


Babu Owino of UoN

Maybe it works here in Kenya, the politics of thuggery n pit-foggery, but I really thot twas low of Babu, whose gethongo oft-times is not to be found even in my Oxford Advanced, to try and shellack n barrack Obama - pardon pun - into going to UoN as opposed to KU in crude threats. But once Babu got an invite for the Sato State House dinner with Uhuru n Obama, he took to social media to RSVP thus: ‘Students are happy with my representation at the dinner, n as such, have withdrawn threats. No male student will commit soocide, n no female student will urinate on the tree Obama planted on Campus in 2006 (by way of protest).”

So if Owino had not gotten that invyte, men wud have died n young women peed on trees in protest? Criously? N Obama is supposed to discuss wat with Campo leaders of this calibre - airlifts to States, security on Campuses ... or mass soocides n the irrigation of trees by female ‘comrades’?