Around this time, every year, I usually gather the wisest men in my circle with one mission in mind: come up with a list of habits that they wish Nairobian women left behind the previous year. We acknowledge women are human beings susceptible to errors.
And it is our duty to show them the right way. With the blessing of the finest whisky (ignorant people call it chang’aa) straight from Kisii, here are the things women should drop pronto this year. We also have helpful suggestion on how women can become better beings so that we can all get along.
1. Drop those fake eyelashes
You really look silly. It is like a man who sags his jeans. Elongating eyelashes adds no value to your physical beauty or mental health. It is a needless fashion statement borrowed from Hollywood that serves no useful purpose.
It scares away potential suitors and only attracts trashy men into your life. Fake everything, but eyelashes can only be as long as they are natural. Anything else looks phony, desperate, stupid and annoying.
2. No black or dark purple lipstick please
Unless you are auditioning for a role in a horror movie, stick with red or sweetly purplish lipstick. If you can, natural is even better. Anything darker or shiny tends to be hideous, we can’t kiss you without the scary images of lead and mercury poisoning popping in our minds.
3. Don’t borrow money from men
Just don’t, not even within the first month, or the first year. In fact, never ever borrow money from a man. Borrow money from your female friends. Nothing is more vexing than a woman you barely know her second name texting you that she needs to refill her gas.
Men are tired of lending money to women, which they never repay anyway. But as a man, if you borrow money from a woman and you fail to pay, that should be a police case. Besides, she will ensure everyone knows that she gave you money - from her grandmother to the roaches in her kitchen cabinet!
4. Drop the trashy Hollywood series and movies
How about you watch something deeper and more provocative instead, something that opens up your intellectual faculties, something that provokes your critical thinking. Most Nairobi women, though educated, smart and all that, are hazardously ignorant on world affairs.
Watch some international news, Al-Jazeera, BBC and CNN. Read newspapers, local news and everything. Then read good books. When we meet, at least have something meaningful to contribute to a conversation, not sitting by yourself liking things on Instagram.
5. Drop any feminist pretensions
The number of women, who with just one kitenge dress and natural hair are calling themselves feminists, is surprising. Feminism is not an intellectual designation, one should be proud of. It used to be.
That is before every male-hating, spiteful woman took to it, watering down those who sought true gender equity. Instead, strive to be a better a human being. Stupidity knows no colour, race, gender or sex. A stupid man is as bad as a stupid woman. So, let us all work jointly to rid the world of stupid people.
6. Don’t pressurise your man into a marriage proposal
Only people with chronic self-esteem issues want the world to know that they are about to start having sex legally. A good, rich and peaceful marriage is possible without the shenanigans that you want to trend on Twitter while empty-headed TV personalities dissect it during prime time news.
7. Get out of that abusive relationship
Whether he is rich or packs the best bedroom game that sends shivers down your spine, drop the sucker. If he ever hits you, or talks to you rudely like you are a child, walk away, sister. We hate dealing with the aftermath, after you have been beaten and there is nothing we can do about it, since it is illegal to kill men who abuse women.
Lastly, as a reminder, avoid free lunches. Any man who buys you more than three drinks and who is not related to you, wants to bed you. Don’t come back saying that he took advantage of you.