Tanzania's President Pombe Magufuli blames maize shortage on Kenyans’ greed and ugali saucer culture

In what is likely to throw Kenya and Tanzania into a diplomatic row, president Magufuli has blamed Kenya’s biting maize shortage on Kenyans’ gluttonous nature.

Speaking from the Tanzanian Ikulu during a state dinner, the overly frugal Tanzanian president asked Kenyans, some of whom were in attendance, to stop gluttonous culture of ‘ugali saucer’, and just be content with the first serving.

Hear him: “Shida ya ndugu zetu wa Kenya ni kwamba wanakula kumaliza na kuchoka. Hotelini lazima waitishe saucer (Kenyans don’t eat to get satisfied, they eat to finish and only stop when they get tired!

At hotels, they must ask for additions)! He warned that if this behaviour is allowed to go on, it will put too much pressure on the other SGR – the Strategic Grain Reserve, effectively leading to its depletion.

The Tanzanian president went on to offer tips to Kenyans on how they can minimise intake of maize and maize flour. This, among others, included encouraging bad cooking. “Good cooking is a recipe for overfeeding. Only bad cooking will save your country!” scoffed the president.

Mwalimu then went on to advise those who make family meals to stop watching cooking shows, so as to ensure their cooking remains rudimentary and unappetising. “Wasipo tii, itabidi lile tume la KFCB liingilie kati na lipige marufuku hivi vipindi vya upishi kwenye televisheni (or KFCB should step in and ban airing of cooking TV shows)!

Gluttonous Kenyans

In what looks likes proof of Mwalimu’s remarks on Kenyans and their overfeeding culture, a random research has revealed that Kenyans have bigger waists than Tanzanians (and that’s why seats and chairs made in Tanzania rarely find buyers in Kenya because they are too small!).

A basic research on the internet also proves that Kenya has more socialites than Tanzania. Kenyans who are proud of their country’s ‘assets’ are now worried that if the maize shortage persists, the number of girls with notable hips and backsides that qualify them to post semi-nude and nude photos on social media could drastically reduce.

Sources say that Mwalimu’s ‘lecture’ fury was prompted after he noticed the Kenyans he had invited to the state dinner fighting and jostling for second servings. This peeved him greatly seeing that it would overshoot his strict budget for the evening.

“Henceforth Kenyans will only be invited to my state dinners if they carry their own food!” Mwalimu is said to have declared, after seeing the mess the Kenyans had done to his floor and budget. Unconfirmed reports say this was made worse by the fact that Mwalimu had done the shopping for the state dinner himself. However, questions to his press team over whether Mwalimu has loyalty cards of all the different supermarkets he patronises went unanswered.

Conflicting reports, however, told a different story. Alternative sources revealed that Mwalimu did not only get angry but actually kicked the gluttonous Kenyans out of the state dinner. But Kenyans who attended the dinner were not only unapologetic but ungrateful.

diplomatic tiff

“I don’t care that we were kicked out... what kind of a state dinner was that? We even had to share toothpicks by cutting one in half between two people to cut costs!” revealed one angry Kenyan who attended the event.

And now that Kenya is staring at a diplomatic tiff with Tanzania, experts have not agreed on what needs to be done to resolve the imminent furry from Kenyan authorities.

What they are agreed on though is that it might get ugly, with retaliation and counter-retaliation.

“Brace yourselves folks... Kenya could increase the number of crocodiles on the Mara river so that no single wildebeests makes it to the Serengeti alive during the annual migration... Tanzania could decide in retaliation to build a very high wall to block Kenyans from having a view of Mt Kilimanjaro and possibly taking pictures of it and selling it as their own!” said one wag.