Dude’s Den: Four women you shouldn’t sit next to in a matatu

Even though she barely knows you, the loudmouth will later discuss you in ‘detail’ with her equally loud-mouthed compatriots.

Public transport in Kenya is generally hectic to a traveller. From loud music, rowdy touts to pickpockets. When in a mat or any other PSV vehicle, try to avoid sitting next to a woman:

Wearing a short dress

This is the mother of all temptations. The mini is bound to move upwards exposing more thigh-land.  The higher it goes, the hotter things become. 

Unless you are ready to keep shifting your ‘gear’ back to neutral for the entire journey, avoid sitting next to this kind of lady.

Stunningly beautiful

If you are a man with some cojones, you are bound to want to strike more than just conversation. Her beauty is bad news for you. There is a 99.1% chance she is already ‘booked’.

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Hapo ndipo utapata free lessons on Friendzoning 101. She has premonition: she know it before you say it. “Nibuyie chali yangu nini Valentine’s Day?” she will ask while showing you a picture of some guy who seems to come straight out of a Calvin Klein boxer advert.

That’s one of those moments when courage hupotea kama Kenyans at 7pm.

Carrying a busload of snacks

I concluded that ladies generally use more money than men when travelling. This is mainly due to the purchase of overpriced snacks at stopovers. For a man, a meal of ugali matumbo in a soot-covered eatery before the journey will last you for up to 10 hours if need be.

 A lady’s single purchase can include salted potato chips, diet coke, Afya mango, popcorn, cakes etc. 

Nifungulie dirisha” she would flatly state as though she is paying you. After throwing the wrappings for the devoured meal, dropping crumbs on your ironed jeans (hic) in the process, “unaweza funga” is said with the same tone.

Rumour monger (Mdaku)

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She is the local grapevine hence keeps constant contact with her sources and audience. She has likely subscribed to an offer by her mobile phone service provider – for 10bob she gets free calls from 6am-6pm to 5 numbers. 

After hour-long calls filled with more gossip than E News, she proceeds to give you an analysis of what and who she has been talking about, divulging intimate details of people whose existence you do not know of.

Even though she barely knows you, be sure she will discuss you in ‘detail’ later with her equally loud-mouthed compatriots.

Comments such as “Aki huyo chali alikuwa anapumua vibaya,” will be said followed by laughter.

The only good thing about her is that she is not that hard to get.