Pastors’ crazy antics and why they’re taking over comedy

  • Preachers have turned themselves into a butt of all manner jokes
  • This lot can make for great entertainment if their outlandish acts were to be compiled into a TV drama series

The popular perception about men of God is that they are supposed to be pious people with only one mandate, preaching the gospel.

But as it turns out, many do or say the craziest of stuff, with some so comical that some Kenyans now find them to be a source of entertainment.

The latest dose of entertainment last week involved preachers who appealed to President Uhuru Kenyatta to extend his fight against corruption to non-tithers in church.

The men of the cloth were concerned that some Kenyans have completely refused to tithe.

They lamented that such people only give offering once in a while despite attending church and benefiting from their sermons.

Sermons the men of God go through a lot, including fervent fasting, to put together.

They argued that they spend a lot of time meditating on scriptures watching fellow ministers through Facebook, YouTube and Instagram to get inspirational messages for their members.

“We occasionally even forgo lunch to pray for the Sunday service, yet some faithful don’t see the sacrifice,” said one of the preachers.

“We need the president to help us deal with some of these notorious believers. We are not on salary, where do they think we get money for food and other basics…” wondered another, asking the president to move with speed and issue a decree targeting such worshippers.

The Pope himself has been in the news for all manner of comical stuff. Not long ago he shocked faithful the world over when he reportedly denied the existence of hell.

The sovereign of the Vatican City State left many believers across the world wondering what the ultimate punishment for sinners is, if, unlike what the good book wants us to believe, there exists no place for sinners burn slowly as they writhe in pain for eternity.

“Those who repent obtain God’s forgiveness, but those who do not repent and cannot be forgiven disappear. A hell doesn’t exist,” Pope Francis is quoted as having said while responding to a journalist, before Vatican clarified later, terming it a slip of the tongue.

Pope Francis

Never mind this came against the backdrop of yet another remark from him, calling for editing of, get this, the one and only Lord’s Prayer!

The Pope insisted that in its current form, the prayer makes wild allegations against God and somehow insinuates that The Almighty at times leads people into temptations.

But this cannot even be compared to an hilarious incident where, halfway through a ‘punchy’ sermon, a pastor in Nairobi’s Kayole estate, read married women the riot act, warning them against using fake “monthly period excuse” to deny their husbands sex.

“Stop using that excuse of periods to deny your men their conjugal rights,” he barked, leaving the church in stitches. The man of God went on to stun younger faithful whilst lecturing on the importance of sex in marriage.

Then there is the pastor from Bungoma County who takes the biscuit.

The preacher reportedly died not too long after trying to fast for 40 days and nights like Jesus Christ!

This drama left many wondering if ‘activist-in-chief’, Okiya Omutatah, should run to court, demanding the Bible to be edited, with the warning: “Don’t try this at home” emblazoned at the beginning of some chapters.

The good book encourages Christians to pray and fast so emphatically that it promises: “Anything asked in prayer shall be granted.”

But some believers, like the Bungoma pastor are taking some Biblical injunctions quite literally, with the hope of getting empowerment for prayers that move mountains. Who knows!

The man of God seems to have taken to heart the scriptures on fasting and tried to emulate Christ by going without food for 40 days, only to die while at it. He reportedly left his home and disappeared into the bushes on Mt Elgon for fervent prayers, which he claimed required solitary confinement away from ‘earthly’ interference.

His untimely departure left many, including his family members, shocked. “The pastor was overly prayerful and spiritual. He shared his idea of fasting for 40 days and 40 nights with his sister-in-law. The family tried to cover up the cause of death, but his in-law had already spilled the beans to her sisters, who in turn shared with others,” revealed a local source.

Details of the incident remain scanty, but we are told just after two or so weeks, news wafted in that he had died.

His body was found by a relative who went to check up on him in the wilderness. Interesting to note, however, is the fact that, as far as pushing deadly jokes too far is concerned, the late pastor is not alone.

He is in great company, if the drama we reported a while back of a pastor at a village in Singorwet ward, Bomet County, is anything to go by. The man of God fell off a tree and broke his limbs after he tried to, get this, fly like an angel to Jerusalem.

The man of God, famous in the village for predicting the second coming of Jesus on several occasions - something which has never come to pass, is said to have gone round the village announcing his imminent departure to Jerusalem.

This, he said, was following an invitation by none other than God himself in a dream.

Eyewitnesses said the pastor, who had tied improvised wings made of polythene bags and rags to his shoulders, had also spoken during his sermon early Sunday, of his imminent trip to Jerusalem.

 “We thought he was joking until he appeared dressed in his flying gear, bidding people farewell,” said the witness.

After a short prayer, the pastor asked curious members of his church, who had gathered to see him off, to escort him to a tall Eucalyptus tree, which he claimed was a suitable take off point, as revealed to him by God.

The pastor climbed atop the tree and jumped off, hoping he would defy the law of gravity, and fly all the way to Jerusalem.

Unfortunately, he fell down in a heap and broke his legs, hands, leaving him with a mangled face and all.

Nervous parishioners, who thought he was on a suicide mission, alerted the chief who in turn called the police who took him to a nearby hospital.

And if you thought this madness is limited to Kenyans, think again. Farther afield, a Gabon preacher drowned before his congregation awhile back after he tried to walk on water like Jesus.

Not many individuals can pull it off. Okay, let’s see, there’s Jesus Christ, and then, eh, well, that’s it. But the man of God’s desperate attempts to equal or outdo Jesus cost him his life.

The 35-year-old pastor surnamed Kabele, boasted to his congregation that he had the ability to re-enact that walking-on-water miracle.

He took his parishioners to a beach in the Libreville.

Referencing Matthew 14:22-33, the pastor said he had received a revelation that with enough faith he could perform miracles just like Jesus. Eyewitnesses said that when the man of God waded into the water, he got completely submerged and never returned.

Elsewhere in Nigeria, at a zoo, a self-proclaimed prophet recently bragged that he was ‘protected and covered by the blood of Christ’ and could pull off the Biblical Daniel’s stunt of walking into a den full of lions.

Despite stern warning from zoo keepers, the ‘prophet’ dismissed them and walked into the den as curious onlookers pitied him. In three seconds flat, the lions devoured him.

Needless to mention there are hundreds of other weird incidents, including a recent one in which a preacher from Githunguri in Kiambu County is reported to have impregnated about 15 parishioners, claiming he was blessing them with holy water!

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