The other evening after taking a heavy supper, I lay on my bed with a bloated stomach feeling very proud over my culinary expertise. Then, I heard a loud desperate knock on my door. Opening the door, I found my neighbour standing there looking like someone who had seen a ghost.
“Kuja haraka, mama wa kule ameanguka akafaint hapa nje ya gate na amebeba mtoto. Kuja umpatie first aid kabla tujue niaje!!" he said pointing at the fainted neighbour’s house to the gate. I dashed out of my house ready to show the world what I’m made of.
Outside, the lady neighbour lay on the muddy ground a couple of people surrounding her. One woman whom I later learnt is her confidant held her wailing baby as another used her leso to kuhurutira(fan) her and a drunk man helped loosen her clothes.
Upon her Majesty’s woman of the evening arrival, everyone stepped aside and kept quiet as I knelt beside the woman all attention on the saviour of the moment. I checked her pulse, opened her flickering teary eyelids and checked her pupils and confirmed to everyone that she was still alive much to their joy and relief. Who wants a dying neighbour at their gate, anyway.
Feeling super important, I instructed some people to carry her to my house where I would proceed with my magical tricks of waking people from comas to which they gladly obliged. Inside the house I ordered them to 'gerraut' for I needed fresh air and most importantly space.
I live in all rooms at once ( self-container/single). The confidant was left behind to help me and I learnt from her that the patient earlier before the incident had a fight with the husband. I was told she fainted running after the husband to beg money for supper. I felt sorry for her. I did my magical slapping on the cheeks, pouring cold water on her face and behold, she rose from the dead!!
She proceed to weep for several minutes as we watched, feeling sorry for her before narrating to us how her husband had been putting her and her son through hell; how she goes the whole day without enough food and many ugly things which made me love my single life.
I served tea and bananas and the next several minutes were spent discussing how men are dogs and how they will never go to heaven and I even promised myself to help her insult and beat up the husband should that day come.
I packed her a few potatoes and two eggs before she left for her house and promised to check on her the first thing in the morning. I went to bed feeling angry about marriage.
At 9.00 the following morning, I woke to go check on her and enquire whether she wanted to proceed with the plan to discipline her man. There’s no way I was going to let this rest now that their domestic quarrels were beginning to indirectly affect my life.
Opening the door, I heard a woman laughing happily and there she was doing her laundry as her hubby sat on a stool talking with her as he peeled off the shell of a boiled egg.
Feeling cheated, I walked past them, went to pee in the communal toilet, walked back to my house, closed the door behind me and climbed into my bed as a painful lump formed in my throat. I never ever meddle with married people’s affairs since then.