Wackyleaks: Tense times as East African presidents live in fear of a Donald Trump phone call

A source has disclosed that heads of state in East Africa are scared of picking phone calls these days for fear that it might be Trump on the other end.

Known for insults, hanging up, belittling remarks and other childish antics, the American politician is making the stomachs of the the heads of state turn every time the phone rings.

In one instance, when the phone at one of the region’s state houses rang, with a country code indicating it was from the United States, sources say that the president was suddenly struck by a bout of diarrhoea and everyone had to be evacuated from the room so that it could be cleaned up!

To the president’s relief when he finally summoned the courage to talk, it turned out to be a relative in the United States complaining that officials at the country’s Central Bank had refused to send her pocket money. The sigh of relief was so loud it drowned chants of attendees at an opposition rally.

Other presidents in the region have not been so lucky though. When one of them absent-mindedly picked a call, he had to find a way of cutting it short when he realised it was the most powerful man in the world.

“Hello... nani mwenzangu?... President of the United States? Pole, credit yangu inaisha... wacha niweke halafu nitakupigia baadaye...(Hello... who am I speaking to? POTUS? Sorry, I’m running out of airtime... let me reload and I will call you later)” the leader is said to have mumbled into the phone despite the fact that he was on postpaid and it was Trump who had called.

Another one panicked so much when he saw a US number that he pressed the answer button when he wanted to press the cancel button. “Hello... President Trump? Sikusikii vizuri... sijui kama ni network ama ni juu niko pahali kuna kelele... Wacha niende place haina makelele...” (Hello... President Trump? Sorry, can’t hear you well... can’t tell whether it’s the network quality or the background noise... let me get to a quieter place...) the leader is reported to have said while feeling like punching himself in the face for being born with fat fingers.

Trump’s Facebook request

With two regional presidents having been called, word quickly spread on the East African heads of state WhatsApp group and Trump’s number was quickly shared with a view to helping those next in line add the number to their contact list and block it. But as anyone who has lent someone else money and realised their calls are not deliberately being picked, the American leader had to employ guerrilla tactics.

“Hello...” one EA head of state is said to have replied when a different number other than the one he had blocked came on line before realising the voice on the other end was one he clearly recognised. The EA leader had to think fast. “You know, we’ve had a power outage the whole day... my battery is dying... let me charge it first,” the leader said before slumping back intohis chair at the horrible experience he nearly went through.

Some of the things the leaders are afraid of include being belittled and criticised. Also, some of them are afraid Trump might not like their caller tunes and that he might go on to tweet about it, thereby greatly embarrassing them. And in countries where piracy is rife there is fear Trump might ask why no pirated DVDs of his inauguration are not being sold on the streets when he is way more popular than Jicho Pevu! Some are also afraid he might throw a tantrum because they turned down his Facebook friendship request.