Strange Kenyan apologies that have no shred of 'sorry' in them

Politicians and prominent Kenyans have developed this silly habit of wronging others, only to give ‘non-apologetic’ apologies later. This nonsense in form of apologies has no ounce of shame, sorry, sorrow, guilt, repentance or acknowledgment of fault; the word ‘sorry’ is usually thrown in just to elicit forgiveness.

Nowadays, politicians and other leaders insult or make stupid, wild, damning accusations against their opponents left right and centre. And when things get thick, in desperation to be politically correct they cleverly claim to be sorry, not necessarily for the utterances or misdeeds, but rather sorry only because the aggrieved have requested for apology or threatened to sue.

Nasty remarks

In this silly fake apologies, they don’t admit their mistakes, they simply feel ‘sorry’ that the aggrieved actually feels offended. A good example is political analyst Mutahi Ngunyi’s ‘apology’ to Luos last week, after he made some nasty remarks about them.

 Alternatively, these fake apologies are so generic and are never made directly to the aggrieved. When, for instance, the alleged king of slurs from Gatundu, Moses Kuria made unsavoury ‘foreskin’ remarks about Luos, after being cornered he made an ‘apology’ “to anyone who might have been offended...” Really? Which sort of apology is that!

Nowhere is this more fake apology madness more apparent than in the always-denied but frequently-practised art of mudslinging: calling people names. Politicians are in their jobs to do one thing and do it well – hurl insults and call each other names.

Oh yeah, plus to earn massive salaries, but that’s beside the point. With two groups of politicians competing to showcase themselves as the less ridiculous of the lot, it pays to know how to insult your opponent.

But it doesn’t stop there, for an insult is only half the political fun. Every insult will always be followed up by an apology of sorts – because these are, after all colleagues, and they must club together to pass the sorts of laws that serve them all. The key thing to remember: never spoil a good apology by saying sorry. Ever!

A proper apology is an expression of guilt and regret, an acceptance that one was wrong and an acknowledgment of responsibility for whatever offence was caused. In Kenya, however, the term ‘proper’ doesn’t quite apply to our politics.

It is a tool used by  politicians to avoid lawsuits. A proper apology loses politicians their respect and standing with their followers, so they need to find ways of ‘begging for forgiveness’ that doesn’t mean anything -- apologising without really being or saying sorry. The first step of ‘apologising’ without apologising is to make the insult vague in the first place.

Boil with anger

References to your target’s tribe or parents are always a good point to start from, and mum is always favourite. When apologising for calling someone’s mum names, it is safe to simply say, “I respect mothers and I also have one, but blah blah blah...”

This is assumed to have made up for all the pain and annoyance caused. Every self-respecting politician will instantly reject any apology aimed at them.

This is strategic, because it gives them the grounds to do two things – first, insult the other politician back, and second, to then accept the original apology after hitting back themselves. Accepting an apology right away denies a politician the chance to hit back.

And if one has to make an apology, they never mention their target by name because that simply elevates them to a pedestal from which they will spit on those apologising. They always refer to “whom it may concern”; a vague way of saying they really don’t care if anyone was offended or not.

Of course, this gets their target to squirm and boil with anger, and perhaps do something stupid in a hiss-fit like hit back. This makes the other party demand an apology.... and the vicious cycle goes on!