The experiences women married to alcoholics go through could make for great TV drama if documented. Women have experienced all sorts of crazy stuff, courtesy of their alcoholic boyfriends and husbands.
From those who soil their clothes to those who sleep in trenches, on sofas, in cars, fart or poop in bed, spank wives before children and compliment the ample backsides of their house girls or or wives’ sisters.
Read mum-in-law riot act
Last week, this publication reported a crazy story in which a drunk kicked his mother-in-law out of his house for overstaying Christmas visit. The drunk, it was reported, read his mother-in-law the riot act, calling her a pest and demanding she packs and go.
The old woman had to leave the following day rather unceremoniously. The drunk’s long-suffering wife was so embarrassed that she is reportedly still sulking.
More and more women have seen hell courtesy of alcoholic boyfriends and husbands.
Purity, for instance, once dated a drunk who would get so high that he forgot himself. He would cause embarrassment, only to regret the following day.
Peed in the fridge
“He was a live-in boyfriend, full of drama when drunk. He would wake up in the middle of the night and forget the way to the toilet and turn the fridge, wardrobes, doors and even TV sets into urinals,” says Purity. “It is this kind of men some women don’t allow in the house when they come late and drunk. And if they are let in, they are never allowed to access the bedroom, unless a wife is ready to clear their mess once they poop in bed. Such types are the ones women lock out to sleep at the door or go back to the local,” she adds.
Many other weird tales have been told of alcoholics and their crazy antics. For instance, a story is told a man who once collapsed by the roadside at midday and somehow imagined that he was sleeping beside his wife. “Stop hoarding the blanket, Adhiambo,” he angrily mumbled as bystanders howled with laughter.
Naked mother-in-law
Another incident happened in Khwisero Constituency, Kakamega County some time back. A local drunkard was married to a woman whose parents lived across his fence.
One day, he started drinking earlier than usual. When he staggered home in the evening, he used a short cut — a path that cut right in front of his in-laws’ home.
In his state, however, he mistook it for his home and walked into the house, straight to the bedroom, where he stumbled on his nude mother in-law oiling herself after taking a shower.
The elderly woman screamed, attracting the attention of her sons who quickly whisked him away. News that ‘he had attempted to rape his mother-in-law’ spread like wildfire. By the time it was corrected that his was a case of drunkenness, massive damage had been done.
The incident was so embarrassing that the man stopped taking alcohol, but he is still a laughing stock in the area. The man did not only disgrace himself, but also scandalised his wife who must still cringes at the thought that his husband saw her mother naked.
Walked in lion’s jaws
What’s more, beer can lead one into the jaws of a lion. Karin narrates how her alcoholic campus boyfriend once staggered to the bus station at midnight where, luckily, one box-like matatu was still waiting for passengers.
He headed to the co-driver’s seat, but the driver refused to open the door. So he staggered to the back. Strangely, the men at the back of the matatu threw him out.
“He got upset, shouting that he knew his rights, had money and was going to board that matatu to Kabete whether they liked it or not. They finally let him in and he fell asleep immediately. He woke up in the morning at Central Police Station,” she says.
The ‘matatu’ had been a police car and the officers — who evidently must have been in a good mood — had a good laugh at his expense. However, good thing was that all his valuables were intact when she went to collect him.
Drink to batter wives
Contrary to what many people think, drunken people know what they are doing. They just don’t care as much. Stories are told of men who use alcohol as an excuse to say what they think of their wives, neighbours, siblings, parents and bosses.
For instance, a man who suspects all along that all his children resemble the assistant chief will one day drink himself senseless and let it all out. Alternatively, a woman who gets sick of being harassed by her husband will get drunk and scream that he is ‘useless’ because he is not a ‘man’. Much as they will blame it on alcohol the next morning, everyone knows that the point has been made.
It’s amazing how women who get battered by their drunk men always defend them, claiming, “he beat me because he was drunk, otherwise he is just a good man”. What they don’t know is that some men get drunk so that they can batter their wives.
Drunks and their other crazy antics
Alcohol knows no man or woman of dignity. It shows scant respect for the mighty. Wambui Choku remembers an incident during their company’s team building session where alcohol and roast goat meat were in plenty. Minutes later, a senior manager who was drunk called for silence. “Did we eat?” he asked. “Yes!” roared the crowd. “Goat, fish, chicken or beef?” he wondered. “Goat!” was the reply.
Boss made fool of himself
Upon hearing that, the manager broke down in tears. “Damn it! How could we eat a goat? Goats are cute creatures. They have beautiful short tails and a nice goatee. Did it even get a chance to say its last prayers?” cried the manager as his stunned subordinates laughed their heads off.
Later, a new employee, also quite plastered, refused to leave the venue when the party ended at midnight. “You said we would drink till morning. I am not leaving!” he screamed.
Alcohol also makes us too friendly and even break social boundaries. A story is told of a young man at a Nairobi-based company who, during the organisation’s last year’s end of year party, got so high that he touched his female boss rather inappropriately.
People do crazy stuff when drunk. You, for instance, bump into your boss at the local and since he is picking the tab, you find it appropriate to express how much you love them.
“Sir, I love you. No, you’re not hearing me. I LOVE you BRO!” This is followed by a tight hug, a pat on the back and a never-ending squeeze of the big man’s hands as people seated at the table start wondering about your sexual orientation.
Women become loose
Speaking of sex, women become quite generous while drunk to the extent that a popular alcoholic beverage has been christened ‘panty remover’.
After four of those deceptively sweetened drinks and several shots of tequila, a woman who would never give you a second look slurs: “Your place or mine?”
It is not for nothing that pastors dub alcohol the ‘evil drink’. A story is told of a university student who was thrown out of a club and decided to find a friendlier bar. Soon after, he heard ‘rhythm and blues’ wafting from an open doorway and walked in. The place was full so he went straight to the counter and asked for a cold beer. Unfortunately, the hall wasn’t a pub, but a church!
Drama at a funeral
But it is at funerals that alcoholics cause the most drama. A priest in Butere District was holding a burial service for a renowned shopkeeper. The deceased, the wealthiest man in the village, was a greedy and mean man. During the sermon, the priest, however, eulogised the deceased as a generous man headed to heaven. But his monologue was cut short by a drunkard shouting: “Iriambo. Habil ne jawuoro. Sani en e mach kod Obel Sibuth (You are lying, Habil was a miser. Right now, he is probably in hell with Belzebul). “
After the burial, the priests and mourners from Nairobi were told to sit in a special tent where they were served ugali and beef while the rest of the villagers were told to queue up for boiled maize and beans on plastic plates.
Unhappy with the open discrimination, the drunk staggered to the ‘high table’ and said to the priest: “In emaowinjo ichiem kod ogandawala. Yesu be nechiemo kod ogandawalla. Jo farisai emanechiemo ee high table kendgi (You should eat with wananchi. Even Jesus shared meals with wananchi. Only the hypocrites and Pharisees shared the high table)!”
The brothers of the deceased, now fed up with the drunken man quickly dragged him away and flung him outside the homestead. Blame in on alcohol, but he had made his point.
